I’ve been thinking about this Fundraiser that you guys organized for me.
When I saw Mike’s post it I thought “oh, well, some of us are going through a rough path”.
I had no idea this was intended to be for me.
I’d like to give back to the fellowship of RWG.
I will certainly do that in “gifts” once I’m back on my two feet.
Today I can’t find any better way than to share my story with honesty.
It’s a lot of words to say THANK YOU ALL.
I hope somebody can identify with it, and maybe it will help to avoid a lot of pain and misery to another being.
How the hell did I hit this financial rock bottom?
Well, before that financial bottom there has been an emotional rock bottom.
Of course, I can only describe the process now that I’m sober and that I do something about my emotions, my character defects and that I slowly repair the damages I made around me in the course of the last 35 years.
I have been a blessed man all my life and yet I wanted to rule everybody and everything around me.
I worked from the age of 17 as a DJ, co founded the movement of private radios in my country when I was 19 and stayed under the spotlights as a radio presenter during 33 years, every day.
At the same time I encountered people who wanted to partner with me in business in the field of music production and in the industry of dating, long before the internet arose.
So, money only got better, year after year, it was flowing!
But it was never enough, never prestigious enough, not grandiose enough.
I deserved better !
I had wonderful relationships with women, none lasted more than a year or two.
They were never good enough for such a great guy like me offering that kind of life.
I finally settled with one to become the mother of my two beautiful and healthy kids.
I resisted the call for “better” during 13 years, pushed her to their limits, broke up.
I then met another wonderful person, moved in with her, travelled, shared wonderful things.
But, again, I vanished 4 years later as “I wanted to live on an island in the sun” and she was afraid to move.
That was 2013 and for a full year I drank myself to death, spend as much money as possible on pleasure, instant gratification to finally hit the total rock bottom.
Every family member, every friend were fearing for my life, expecting me to jump from the roof.
They told me that when I slowly got better.
I made everybody around me worry and I was still blaming everybody for “not understanding me”!
What happened next, when I left my hometown and got on that island, is that after drinking daily for 25 years and drinking several bottles a day for the last year, I woke up one day asking for help.
The miracle is that I got help in the form of a spiritual awakening that pushed me to meet with people like me, suffering from the same disease, alcoholics.
The second miracle is that I shut up my big mouth, listened to what those people said about their own recovery, put down the drink on the 31st of July 2015 and never touched alcohol again since then.
1,114 days ago the compulsion of drinking simply vanished and never returned (as long as I continue to take care of my mind of course).
In sobriety, no grandiosity, just a regular job as a customer care agent that paid the bills until the end of 2017.
The company I worked for closed, and since then I couldn’t find another job on the island, got back to my hometown did not find a job yet either, sold all my remaining watches (as there was nothing else to sell) and live now for the last 4 months on a few bucks I make here and there doing voice over jobs.
During my entire life I suffered from low self esteem coupled with an immense ego.
I knew everything about anything, had strong opinions and slowly, but inevitably, pushed away every single person who wanted to help me, loved me, who really cared for me as I KNEW BETTER.
My moto was “all this is your fault, not mine, if only you would do as I say I wouldn’t be angry and all would be better”.
God knows how things were simply perfect, how blessed I was: everybody saw that except me.
I am in no way giving any advice, neither suggestions.
I learned my lesson and just want to share it.
I can only confirm what my life is today: difficult materialy speaking, wonderful for all the rest as I rebounded with my family and the friends of my past, live in harmony with others and myself, love to listen to others and more and more good things happen to me.
I am grateful that I found the desire, the willingness, to listen, on a daily base, to other people rather than voice my opinions as I used to do. I still have opinions but by listening I can spot my weaknesses and by observing my reactions I see how wrong my thoughts can be.
This recovery journey is a gift, it is not about will power.
All I do is wake up every day saying out loud “thank you for giving me the willingness to continue this journey”.
I'm terrified to loose that desire as I know, without a doubt, that together with me, the alcoholic in me, wakes up every morning too.
Last Friday, when I got that email from PayPal about this fundraiser, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
You guys have give me another month of reprieve of course, but you have also confirmed that my life is now 100 times better than my old one.
No grandiosity, lots of human connexions.
The icing on the cake: that same Friday, a very import national radio network I have been auditioning for the last 6 weeks called me to tell me that, although they will not hire me full time, they want to give me a weekly show and take it from there.
There is hope, every single day!
And every week brings more pieces of a solution and less complications.
As long as I keep that willingness to stay away from my own character defects and to have the intention to be useful to others, all will fall in place exactly how it is meant to be.
Again, I thank each and every one of you guys for your support.
I never met most of you but I genuinely feel the beauty within your hearts all the way to mine.
With all my love,