World History According To Students

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History Lesson

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..... The World according to Student Bloopers .....

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be-fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Admin Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[robertk]

You can't beat an American education.

[narikaa]

GAMESHOW ANSWERS TO GENERAL KNOWLEDGE QUESTIONS ARE QUITE ENLIGHTENING TOO:

From Danny Kelly Show (Radio WM):

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

From National Lottery Jet Set (BBC1):

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing... what?

Contestant: Basketball.

From Big Quiz (LBC):

Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.

Contestant: Lepers.

From Quizmania (ITV):

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with "T" Contestant: Doctor. Scott: No, it’s "T". "T" for Tommy. "T" for Tango. "T" for Tintinnabulation. Contestant: Oh right... (pause)... Doctor.

From Late Show (BBC Midlands):

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let�s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Same contestant: Sorry, I don�t know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

From BBC Norfolk:

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with "It's A Wonderful World"?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you a couple of clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're ...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct: And what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song "It's A Wonderful World"?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

From 24 Hour Quiz (ITV):

Unseen questionmaster: Who sang the song "Je t�aime" with Jane Birkin?

Two contestants (given a choice of three answers): Jacques Chirac.

From Star 107 FM (Cambridgeshire):

Presenter: In which country would you find Miami?

Contestant: Uh... pass.

From Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (ITV):

Chris Tarrant: Which of these is the title of a Shakespeare play?

a. As You Like It

b. As You Love It

c. As You Wish It

d. As You Want It

Contestant: Er... I don't know, Chris. Can I phone a friend?

Tarrant (asking the audience): "Jambon" is the French for which food?

Audience: 11 percent said jam.

From Richard and Judy (ITV/Channel 4):

Q: Which Danish city is famous for its statue of a mermaid?

A: Denmark.

Q: In what year did the Second World War start?

A: 1918.

Q: No, the Second. Try again.

A: Err... 1937.

Q: How many wheels are there in a unicycle?

A: Three.

Q: What is origami?

A: A herb.

Q:How many metres are there in a kilometre?

A: Three.

Q: Which Spanish island is famous for hosting lots of trendy parties?

A: Spain.

Q: How do you call the big pole in the middle of a ship?

A: Pass.

Q: What kind of creature is a halibut?

A: A bird.

Q: No, wrong. Try again.

A: A ferret.

Q: What�s the Prince of Wales�s Christian name?

A: Err...

Q: Here�s a clue: he was married to Diana.

A: Err...

Q: It begins with a �C�.

A: No idea.

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

What's the Tory leader's Christian name?

A: Errr...

You know, Mr. Hague.

A: Pass.

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er...

Leslie: He makes bread...

Contestant: Er...

Leslie: He makes cakes...

Contestant: Kipling Street?

Colleen Nolan: To which member of the royal family is the Duke of Edinburgh married?

Contestant: Pass.

John Leslie: At what time is Midday Money broadcast?

Contestant: 12.15.

Leslie: The Berlin Wall was demolished in which country?

Contestant: Er...

Leslie: East and West came together...

Contestant: Er...

Leslie: It begins with a "G".

Contestant: Er...

Leslie: No, I can't give you that one.

Judy: Where's the Acropolis?

Contestant: Pass.

Richard: Who sang New York, New York and Chicago?

Contestant: Er...

Richard: His nickname was "Old Blue Eyes".

Contestant: I don't know.

Richard: In which US state can you find Los Angeles, San Francisco and lots of big bears?

Contestant: Florida

Richard: No, it's on the other side.

Judy [sings]: "I wish they could be da da da da girls."

Contestant: New York.

Richard: What planet is named after the goddess of love?

Contestant: Neptune.

Richard: Who wrote Othello?

Contestant: No idea.

Richard: He also wrote Hamlet.

Contestant: Pass.

Judy Finnegan: How many wheels does a unicycle have?

Contestant: Two.

Judy: How many minutes are there in three quarters of an hour?

Contestant: 60.

Richard Madeley: On what day does new year's day fall?

Contestant: The 31st.

Fern Britton: Which actress starred in Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally?

Contestant: Tom Hanks. Judy: Which desert war did Britain take part in 10 years ago today?

Contestant: The Falklands.

Richard Madeley: When was the battle of Hastings?

Answer: 1866.

Judy: What were the gifts the Three Wise Men brought to the Baby Jesus?

Contestant: Gold, platinum and silver.

Judy: Which country was ruled by Tsars -- France or Russia?

Contestant: France.

Richard Madeley: Who was Bill Clinton's vice president?

Contestant: I don't know.

Richard: Come on, he also stood for president himself. You know, Al...

Contestant: Al Jolson.

Richard Madeley: Charles and Edward were children of who?

Contestant: Diana.

RM: Who did Britain go to war with over the Falklands?

Contestant: Er...

RM: It's a South American country.

Contestant: Iran?

Judy Finnegan: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: Pass

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show The Sopranos is about opera -- true or false?

Contestant: Er -- true.

Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that.

Fern Britton: If you're claustrophobic, what are you traditionally afraid of?

Contestant: Open spaces.

Richard Madeley (hilarious French accent): Ze Moulin Rouge! In what ceety can you find zis famoos night club, hee-haw hee-haw?

Contestant: Italy.

John Leslie: What is the capital of France?

Contestant: Belgium.

John Leslie: If you spoke Dutch, what country would you be from?

Contestant: Denmark.

Presenter: In which direction do the hands of a clock travel?

Contestant: Anti-clockwise.

Presenter: If I travel at 60 miles an hour, how far do I travel in ten minutes?

Contestant: Two hundred thousand miles.

Mel: You are eating a baklava. Are you having a main course or a pudding?

Contestant: A starter.

Melanie "Mel" Sykes: In 2002 the Queen celebrated her Golden Jubilee. In which year did she come to the throne?

Contestant: 1958.

Sykes: No, it was 1952. I wouldn�t have got that.

Contestant: No it was far too hard.

Contestant: You step in it and it takes you up and down to different floors.

Richard Madeley: Dog poo?

From Beg, Borrow Or Steal (BBC 2):

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn�t my strong point.

Theakston: There�s a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

From French Quiz (LBC):

Presenter: Which French author has been translated into more languages than any other French author in the world?

Contestant: Chaucer.

From Bob Hope Birthday Quiz (LBC):

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?

Contestant: Four.

From BBC2�s The Weakest Link:

Which Cluedo character has a military rank?

A: Colonel Sanders

Which product had an advertising ban imposed on it in 1999?

A: Marmalade.

What's the nationality of the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre?

A: Italian

Anne Robinson: Space exploration. What does the acronym NASA stand for?

Contestant: National Socialist Space Satellite.

Robinson: In what century was the composer J.S. Bach born?

Contestant: The twentieth century.

Robinson: Who initiated the Chinese cultural revolution?

Contestant: Ming. Anne Robinson: Which musician famous for playing the piano honky-tonk style died in the year 2000?

Contestant: Elton John.

Robinson: In the TV series of the same name, who played the pathologist Quincy?

Contestant: Quincy

Anne Robinson: Before president Clinton, how many Presidents of America were impeached?

Contestant: None

Robinson: In geography, does the state of Virginia lie on the East or West side of America?

Contestant: West.

Robinson: How many hours are there in three days?

Contestant (thought Robinson said how many r�s): One.

Robinson: In history, at the battle of Waterloo, which general's horse was called Copenhagen?

Contestant: Lord Nelson.

What was the sequel to the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer?

Contestant: I Know What You Did Last Winter.

Anne Robinson: In which century was Hadrian's Wall built?

Contestant: The 18th century.

AR: Complete the title of this Oliver Goldsmith novel: The Vicar of...

Contestant: Dibley. AR: Who originally released the song "It's a wonderful world"?

Answer: Ray Charles.

AR: Which movie ended with the famous words: "It was beauty that killed the beast."?

Answer: Pass.

AR: In modern literature, who wrote the novel American Psycho?

Answer: Pass.

AR: Complete the title of this novel by Henry James: "The Turn of the ..."?

Answer: Century.

AR: In which city do we find the Kremlin building?

Answer: Russia

AR: Which organ of the human body is used for smelling and breathing?

Answer: The lungs.

Anne Robinson: In music, what was the first name of the German composer Bach, who was born in 1685?

Answer: Edward.

AR: In literature, poet Philip Larkin was born in what century?

A: The 17th.

AR: Which bird gives its name to a straight-legged marching step?

A: The cuckoo.

AR: What is the correct name for the Australian wild dog?

A: The dingbat.

AR: What does a bat use to facilitate flying in the dark?

A: Its wings.

AR: In the animal kingdom, what "C" is a large North American reindeer?

A: A moose.

AR: In politics, what "W" was a pact signed by the Soviet Union in 1955 as a response to West Germany joining NATO?

A: The Williamsburg Treaty.

Anne Robinson: The name of which Italian, born in 1469, is synonymous with immoral cunning?

Contestant: Mussolini.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?

Contestant: Bombay.

AR: Who wrote Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?

Contestant: Dr Seuss.

AR: What part did the Tin Man ask Dorothy would get him?

Answer: A brain.

Anne Robinson: In fashion, what is the French for "ready to wear"?

Contestant: Pret � Manger

AR: Which British composer took the music for "Land of Hope and Glory" from his Pomp and Circumstance marches?

Contestant: Tchaikovsky.

AR: Which actress named Patricia is the wife of Nicholas Cage?

Contestant: Patricia Routledge.

AR: What is the name of the 1994 Oscar winning film which starred Ben Kingsley as Yitzak Stern?

Contestant: Gandhi.

AR: Complete the title of the well-known play, The Iceman... Contestant: Melts.

AR: In what year of the 90s did badminton and basketball become Olympic medal sports?

Contestant: 1984

AR: Gotham is not only a place in the Batman series, but also a city in which European country?

Contestant: Italy.

AR: What was the title of the play �La Cage aux Folles� when it was remade into a movie starring Robin Williams?

Contestant: Mrs. Doubtfire.

AR: In Roman mythology, which animal brought up Romulus and Remus?

Contestant: A lion.

AR: Who wrote the book �Death on the Nile� with Hercule Poirot as main character?

Contestant: Don�t know.

AR: How many units are there in a dozen?

Contestant: 13.

AR: In what European country was actor Antonio Banderas born?

Contestant: Mexico.

Anne Robinson: What French word did Karl Marx use to describe those who oppressed the working class?

Contestant: Trotskyists.

AR: What distinguished prize did Albert Einstein win in 1921 for his work in physics?

Contestant: The Booker Prize

Anne Robinson: For which book did Salman Rushdie win the Booker prize?

Contestant: The Wind in the Willows.

AR: What sign of the zodiac is represented by a fish?

Contestant: The Zodiac.

AR: In an orchestra, the leader normally plays which instrument?

Contestant: The triangle.

AR: The four Gospels of the New Testament are attributed to: Matthew, Mark, John and who?

Contestant: Joe.

Anne Robinson: In 1987, the Bangles had a number one UK hit with the song "Walk like a ..."?

Contestant: Stranger.

Anne Robinson: What "C" is a wine drunk on special occasions?

Contestant: Chardonnay.

Robinson: What was the nationality of the composer Sir Edward Elgar?

Contestant: Norwegian.

AR: In fashion, what does the term �pr�t � porter� means?

Contestant: Carrying clothes.

AR: What is the title of the full-length feature film directed by Wallace and Gromit creator Nick Park?

Contestant: Groundhog Day.

AR: The Benelux consists of Belgium, Luxemburg and which other country?

Contestant: Switzerland.

AR: The Anne Frank museum can be found in which city?

Contestant: Berlin.

Anne Robinson: In science, what is botany the study of?

Caroline O'Shea (of Big Brother fame): Bottoms.

AR: In chemistry, for what does the symbol 'Fe' stand?

Contestant: Silver.

Anne Robinson: Which fortnightly satirical publication published its 1000th issue in 2000?

Contestant: Punch.

Robinson: Of which country is Wellington the capital?

Contestant: Australia.

Robinson: So, Jemma, for �9,350, which is the largest and most heavily populated island in the Mediterranean sea? Contestant: Spain.

Anne Robinson: Who wrote the political treatise Das Kapital?

Contestant: John Major.

AR: Complete the title of this Destiny's Child song... "Bills bills ..."?

Contestant: Don't know.

Anne Robinson: Which oriental country shares its name with a type of porcelain?

Contestant: Portugal.

AR: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with G, took the name Mahatma?

Contestant: Geronimo.

AR: What K is the currency of Sweden?

Contestant: Kennel.

AR: Which calendar month was named after the first Roman Emperor, Augustus Caesar?

Contestant: June.

AR: What is the highest prime number under ten?

Oxford Research Fellow: Eleven.

AR: In maths, what is one half as a decimal?

Contestant: A quarter.

Anne Robinson: In which country is the river Po?

Contestant: Poland.

Anne Robinson: What 'T' are people who live in a house paying rent to a landlord?

Contestant: Terrorists.

Robinson: In sport, the name of which famous racehorse was the word 'murder' spelt backwards?

Drag queen: Shergar.

Robinson: In which film did Dudley Moore star as the title character?

Contestant: 10.

Robinson: Ken Follett is a famous what, author or photographer?

Contestant: Authotographer.

Robinson: Introduced in Britain in 1978, the State Earnings Related Pension Scheme is better known by what acronym?

Contestant: P.A.Y.E.

Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

Contestant: Crocodiles.

Anne Robinson: In Asian geography, Vietnam has borders with Laos, Cambodia and which other country?

Contestant: America.

AR: What was the last state to join the USA?

Contestant: Canada.

AR: What D is a large city in the Republic of Ireland?

Contestant: Belfast.

Anne Robinson: What kind of dozen is 13?

Page 3 Girl: Half a dozen.

Anne Robinson: In which continent is the river Danube?

Page 3 Girl: France.

Anne Robinson: Which S is the only country to have a land border with Portugal?

Page 3 Girl: Pass.

Anne Robinson: Which letter comes between P and R?

Page 3 Girl: O.

Anne Robinson: Who plays the role of agent Dana Scully in the tv series The X-Files?

Very self-indulgent teen after a long pause: Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Robinson: What is a singlet, a bachelor or a vest?

Eligible bachelor: A bachelor.

Anne Robinson: What man-made structure built during the 3rd century BC is often said to be visible from space?

Fashion person: The Millennium Dome.

AR: What is a divertimento -- an Italian road sign or a piece of music?

Fashion person: An Italian road sign. Robinson: In management, which P is the term used for getting a higher-ranked job and often a pay rise?

Contestant: Don't know.

Anne Robinson: What was the title of the movie directed by James Cameron that starred Leonardo DiCaprio?

Contestant: On The Beach.

Anne Robinson: How many l's are there in "intelligent"?

Contestant: One.

Anne Robinson: Which city lies further north, Oslo or Moskow?

Contestant: Moskow.

AR: How many e's are there in 'argument'?

Contestant: Three.

AR: Samuel Coleridge was frieds with which well-known poet?

Contestant: Byron.

AR: What religion was founded by the prophet Mohammed in AD 610? Contestant: Rastafarianism.

Anne Robinson: Sancho Panza was the companion of which famous fictional character?

Contestant: Rupert Bear.

AR: 'Trod' is the past tense of which verb?

Contestant: Don't know.

AR: According to the common saying, revenge is a dish best served ... cold or on toast?

Contestant: On toast.

AR: What "A" is a small dead-end tube in the digestive system with no known function?

Contestant: [censored].

Anne Robinson: Which German city is also the name of a type of perfume?

Contestant: Berlin.

AR: In nature, cumulus and cirrus are types of what?

Contestant: Lion.

AR: Pakistan was part of which other state until it achieved independence in 1947?

Contestant: Bulgaria.

Anne Robinson: Which South American country has borders with ten others?

Contestant: China.

Robinson: Which city was chosen to host the first Chinese Grand Prix in 2007?

Contestant: Tokyo.

Robinson: Sri Lanka is situated to the south-east of which Asian country?

Contestant: South Africa.

Robinson: What is the capital of Iraq?

Contestant: Iran.

Robinson: The equator divides the world into how many hemispheres?

Contestant: Three.

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels -- travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?

Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: Cro-Magnon was an early form of which mammal, which now numbers in the millions?

Contestant: Crabs.

AR: Which composer wrote The Magic Flute?

Contestant: Bikini.

Anne Robinson: Which month in the Gregorian calendar is named after Augustus Caesar?

Contestant: June.

AR: Which D is an area of Holland famous for its distinctive pottery?

Contestant: Denmark.

Anne Robinson: In physics, which property of the moving body is measured in metres per second per second?

Contestant: Atom.

AR: Which Emily Bront� novel features the characters Catherine Earnshaw and Heathcliff?

Contestant: Pass.

AR: If two opposite angles of a parallellogram are 70� each, how many degrees each are the two other angles?

Contestant: 70.

AR: Apart from a train, what in France is a mistral?

Contestant: Pass.

AR: In what language is the word �banzai� both a warcry and an address to the emperor?

Contestant: Chinese.

AR: Which beverage has varieties including latte and mocca?

Contestant: Milk.

Anne Robinson: A Catalan is an inhabitant of a region in Spain known in English as what?

Contestant: Catatonia.

Robinson: In medicine, what word beginning with 'G' represents the area of medicine specialising in the treatment of the elderly?

Contestant: Gynaecology.

Anne Robinson: What 'Z' is used to describe a human who has returned from the dead?

Contestant: Unicorn.

Robinson: "Achtung" is a word for warning in which European language?

Contestant: Chinese.

Robinson: Which country lies directly east of South Korea?

Contestant: North Korea.

Anne Robinson: In ancient mythology, how many labours did Hercules do?

Contestant: One.

Robinson: Hadrian�s Wall was built to keep out which tribe, the Picts or the Zulus?

Contestant: The Zulus.

Robinson: Can you complete the title of the book by Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A..."?

Contestant: Baby.

Anne Robinson: Which Roman poet wrote the Aeneid -- Virgil or Brains?

Contestant: Brains.

Anne Robinson: What 'T' is a novel by Irvine Welsh featuring the characters Begbie, Renton and Sick Boy?

Contestant: Treasure Island.

Anne Robinson: Which European language do the words Blitz, Kindergarten and Angst come from?

Contestant: Italian.

Anne Robinson: Which country has the largest number of Portuguese speakers in the world?

Contestant: Spain.

Anne Robinson: Which three-letter word is known as the definite article?

Contestant: It.

Robinson: In Tolkien�s Lord Of The Rings trilogy, the third and final book is called The Return Of The... what?

Contestant: Jedi.

Robinson: In what language, spoken in part of the United Kingdom, was the hymn Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer originally written?

Contestant: Islam.

Robinson: What is the capital of Saudi Arabia?

Contestant (and eventual winner): Tel Aviv.

Anne Robinson: Which animal builds dams and lodges?

Contestant: Sheep.

Robinson: 'Bolster' is an anagram of which marine crustacean?

Contestant: Crab.

Robinson: The director of the 1956 film The Ten Commandments was Cecil B. who?

Contestant: Parkinson.

Robinson: In Tolkien�s Lord Of The Rings trilogy, the third and final book is called The Return Of The... what?

Contestant: Jedi.

Robinson: In what language, spoken in part of the United Kingdom, was the hymn 'Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer' originally written?

Contestant: Islam.

Robinson: What is the capital of Saudi Arabia?

Contestant: Tel Aviv.

Anne Robinson: The 19th-century novel by the Russian author Dostoevsky is Crime And... what?

Contestant: Prejudice.

Robinson: Kate Hudson is the daughter of which famous American movie actress?

Contestant: Rock.

Anne Robinson: The action of which Shakespeare play takes place between dusk on January 5th and dawn on January 6th?

Contestant: A Midsummer Night�s Dream.

Anne Robinson: William Burroughs� novel, first published in 1959, was "The Naked..." what?

Contestant: Chef.

Anne Robinson: In what year did the First World War end?

Contestant: 1948.

AR: What is the round implement believed to have been invented around 4000 years ago and used in transport ever since?

Contestant: The steam engine.

AR: Mandarin and Cantonese are two languages that originated in which country?

Contestant: Spain.

Anne Robinson: What name is given to the field of medicine that concerns the health of women?

Contestant: Womenology.

AR: Which Roman statesman gave his name to the month of July?

Contestant: Augustus.

AR: Which allied leader met with Roosevelt and Stalin at Yalta in 1945?

Contestant: Hitler.

AR: What fruit is used to produce the spirit brandy?

Contestant: Coconut.

AR: What implement is used to warn athletes that they are about to start the final lap?

Contestant: Starter gun.

Anne Robinson: Which B completes the title of the book by Lord Baden-Powell: "Scouting For..."

Contestant: Business.

Anne Robinsion: Which country in South America is named after the explorer Simon Bolivar?

Contestant: Brazil.

AR: The Hallelujah Chorus appears in which oratorio by Handel?

Contestant: The Sound of Music.

AR: What is the more common name given to the government department "Military Intelligence Six"?

Contestant: MI5.

Anne Robinson: What part of the human body is closest to the floor when we are walking?

Contestant: The head.

Anne Robinson: According to the proverb, the daily consumption of what piece of fruit keeps the doctor away?

Contestant: Banana.

Anne Robinson: Name the Empress of Russia, who ruled between 1762 and 1796, famous for the number of her lovers.

Contestant: Boadicea.

Robinson: According to the Bible, what city was destroyed along with Gomorrah?

Contestant: Atlantis.

Anne Robinson: What is the only even prime number?

Contestant: Nine.

Robinson: After Guernsey, Jersey and Alderney, what is the next largest of the Channel Islands?

Jodie March: Er... is England a Channel Island?

Robinson: What�s the capital of Germany?

Garry Bushell: Hamburg.

Robinson: Single combat is a fight between how many people?

Contestant: One person.

Robinson: In which city is the Scottish parliament situated?

Ex-member of Boyzone: London.

Anne Robinson: Name the Empress of Russia, who ruled between 1762 and 1796, famous for the number of her lovers.

Contestant: Boadicea.

Robinson: According to the Bible, what city was destroyed along with Gomorrah?

Contestant: Atlantis.

Anne Robinson: The title 'Countess' is given to the wife of which rank of the British nobility?

Contestant: Queen.

AR: Which British prime minister famously said, "We have become a grandmother"?

Contestant: John Major.

Anne Robinson: Which Christina is an actress who made her debut in 1990 with the film Mermaids?

Contestant: Christina Aguilera.

Robinson: The cedar tree appears on the flag of which Middle Eastern country with a coastline on the Mediterranean?

Contestant: Canada.

Anne Robinson: Which illness is named after its high temperature and red skin colouration?

Contestant: Yellow fever.

Anne Robinson: What is the full name of Karl Marx's book: Das...?

Contestant: Kampf.

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

Robinson: In government organisations, what does the letter M stand for in MI5 and MI6?

Contestant: Murder.

AR: The Grapple in the Apple, recently held in New York, was a debate between the journalist Christopher Hitchens and the politician George who?

Contestant: George Washington.

AR: In which film did Harry Lime say, "In Switzerland they had brotherly love and they had 500 years of democracy and peace. And what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!"?

Contestant: One Flew over the Cuckoo Clock.

From Brainteaser (Channel 5):

Presenter: Which literary hunchback lived in Notre Dame and fell in love with Esmerelda?

Contestant: Nostradamus.

From Nation Vacation (Nation 217):

Presenter: Which of these is a city in Germany: Hanoi, Hannover or Hangover?

Contestant: Hanoi.

From Magic 52 (North-East England):

Presenter: In what year was president Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm.

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way: he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

From Simply The Best (ITV):

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

From Magic FM 105.4:

Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair�s chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?

Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.

From GWR (FM Bristol):

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on 22 November 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

From Fort Boyard (Challenge TV):

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word -- CHED and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

From phone-in (Lincs FM):

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don�t know the names of any countries in Spain.

From an early morning show (BBC Radio 1):

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?

Contestant: 23.

From The Mick Girdler Show (BBC Radio Solent):

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic Ocean whose name includes the letter "e".

Contestant: Ghana.

Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

Contestant: New Zealand.

From BBC2's University Challenge:

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers"?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

Jeremy Paxman: What South American politician overthrew Allende in a coup?

Contestant 1: Ayatollah Khomeini.

Contestant 2: Chile.

Jeremy Paxman: Dubbed 'the Sphinx' in the 1920s on account of her taciturn manner off-screen, which Hollywood actress retired from public life in 1941? Oxford students (after conferring): Julie Andrews.

From Rock FM (Preston):

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

From Q103 (Cambridge):

Presenter: How many members were there of the boy band 5ive?

Contestant: Four.

From The Vault (ITV):

Melanie Sykes: In which European city was the first opera house opened in 1637?

Contestant: Sydney.

Sykes: In the Bible, which disciple betrayed Jesus?

Contestant: Solomon.

Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgic.

Melanie Sykes: What is a mixture of avocado, chili and lime juice commonly known as?

Contestant: Guatemala.

Melanie Sykes: Who recently celebrated their 25th anniversary of becoming prime minister of Britain?

Contestant: Tony Blair.

Gaby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?

Contestant: Don't know.

Brokers: Kentish Town?

Logan: What's the official language of China?

Contestant: Asian.

From The Biggest Game in Town (ITV):

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring the First World War to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta.

From Steve Wright in the Afternoon (BBC Radio 2):

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.

Contestant: Sydney.

SW: What do you call the indigenous people of Australia?

Contestant: Australians.

Question: In England it's called "petrol". What is it called in the United States?

Answer: Diesel.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?

Contestant: Expresso.

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?

Contestant: India.

Wright: In 1863, which American President gave the Gettysburg Address?

Contestant: I don't know, it was before I was born.

Wright: Who played agent 007 in the 1989 film Licence To Kill?

Contestant: Er... James Bond?

Wright: What kind of creature is a kiwi?

Contestant: A fruit.

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

Wright: Which legendary blood-sucking creature was created by Bram Stoker?

Contestant: The leech.

Steve Wright: Which comet was last seen in 1986?

Contestant: Robin Williams.

Steve Wright: After this year, when is the next leap year?

Contestant: Erm... 2007?

SW: What is the capital of Switzerland? Be careful with this one.

Contestant: Munich.

Steve Wright: Who wrote the music for Moon River and The Pink Panther?

Contestant: Mendelssohn.

Wright: How many days are there in five weeks?

Contestant: Don�t know.

Wright: Give it a guess.

Contestant: Sixty.

From Steve Wright In The Afternoon (BBC Radio 2):

Wright: In which direction does the sun set?

Contestant: North.

Steve Wright: Which month of the year is named after the Roman god of war?

Contestant: Thursday.

From James O'Brien Show (LBC 97.3):

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well I know there was a Henry the eighth... Er... er... three?

From Ken Bruce’s Popmaster quiz (Radio 2):

Bruce: Listen to this piece of music [sex Crime by the Eurythmics] and tell me the name of the movie it featured in, made from a famous George Orwell novel.

Contestant: Was it 1989, Ken?

From Richard Allinson show (Radio 2):

Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?

Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kelloggs?

From Blind Date (ITV):

Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.

Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

From Steve Penk Breakfast Show (Virgin Radio):

Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?

Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

From Chris Searle Show (BBC Radio Bristol):

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn�t hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?

From The Owen Money Show (BBC Radio Wales):

Owen Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.

Caller: Er, Tony Brown. And Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

From Kelly Today (ITV):

Lorraine Kelly: How many days in a leap year?

Contestant: 253.

From Dog Eat Dog (BBC1):

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton

Ulrika Jonsson: Shakespeare: in A Midsummer Night's Dream which character assumed the head of an ass?

Contestant: Macbeth.

Ulrika Jonsson: Which US President was shot in 1981?

Contestant: J.F. Kennedy.

From National Lottery shows (BBC1):

Eamonn Holmes: What was invented in 1926 by John Logie Baird?

Contestant: Electricity.

Question: Which is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

Eamonn Holmes: Which is the largest country in South America?

Contestant: Nairobi.

Eamonn Holmes: What�s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Eamonn Holmes: Who wrote The Catcher in the Rye?

Contestant: Chaucer.

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?

Contestant: Jelly.

Eamonn Holmes: Which chapel ceiling did Michelangelo famously paint?

Contestant: The sixteenth chapel.

Eamonn Holmes: What does the French phrase 'Je t�aime' mean?

Contestant: Goodbye.

Eamonn Holmes: What year is the title of a famous novel by George Orwell?

Contestant: 1949.

Ian Wright: What type of creature is a praying mantis?

Contestant: A fish.

Wright: Are you sure you want to say fish?

Contestant(confidently): Yes, a fish.

Ian Wright: Iago and Desdemona are characters in which Shakespeare play?

Contestant: I did English literature at university. (Pause.) Hamlet?

Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, English Channel, c) North Sea?

Contestant: Oh I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now Dale. It’s on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

Dale Winton: In Shakespeare's play A Midsummer Night's Dream, who was king of the fairies?

Contestant: I'm not very good at history.

Q: Sofia is the capital of which European country?

A: Palestine.

From Dave Lee Travis Show (Breeze FM):

DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?

Contestant: Wales.

From Beat The Nation (Channel 4):

Graeme Garden: Brazil is a major country in which continent?

Contestant: Europe.

Garden: The Ashmolean in Oxford was England�s first what?

Contestant: Indian restaurant.

From Neil Pringle Show (BBC Southern Counties Radio):

Pringle: How many strings does a guitar have? Contestant: Er... four. Pringle: It's the number of wives that Henry VIII had... Contestant: Oh -- five!

From Notts and Crosses quiz (BBC Radio Nottingham):

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it�s not in Scotland, is it?

JO: Which classical composer became deaf in later life: Ludvig van...?

Same contestant (immediate answer): Van Gogh.

Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?

Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

From Lunchtime show (BRMB):

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That�s close enough.

From Breakfast Show (Wave 105 FM):

Steve Powers: What does a planet orbit around?

Contestant 1: The galaxy?

Contestant 2: The moon?

From Live and Kicking (BBC2):

Question: What is the highest mountain in Britain?

Answer: Mount Everest.

From See Hear Saturday (BBC2):

Presenter: What country does the spiritual leader the Dalai Lama come from?

Contestant: Scotland.

Lara Crooks: What is the most abundant gas in the atmosphere?

Contestant: Air.

From Janice Forsyth Show (BBC Radio Scotland):

Janice Forsyth: What is the currency in India?

Contestant: Ramadan.

From RI:SE (Channel 4):

Quizmaster: Where is the Sea Of Tranquility?

Contestant: Ibiza.

Presenter: Which mountain range separates France and Spain?

'Brainy Mechanic': The Himalayas.

From Paul Wappat (BBC Radio Newcastle):

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

From Daryl Denham's Drivetime (Virgin Radio):

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It�s a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

From Beacon Radio (Wolverhampton):

DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

From Channel 4's 15 to 1:

From the NATO phonetic alphabet, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, what comes next?

Contestant: Delta.

William G Stewart: In the novel and film, what is Howard's End?

Contestant: A boatyard.

Stewart: New Zealand has two national anthems. One of them is God save The Queen. What's the other one?

Contestant: Australia Fair.

William G Stewart: Now think carefully before you answer this. Where did Alexander the Great come from?

Contestant: Belgium. Q: Which mobile phone company has the slogan "The future�s bright, the future�s orange?"

A: Virgin.

William G Stewart: Which cathedral town on the river Severn shares its name with the sauce used in a Bloody Mary?

Contestant: Tomato.

William Stewart: Above the entrance to which place do the words "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" appear?

Contestant: A church?

From Phil Wood Show (BBC GMR):

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er...

Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

Contestant: Walked?

From Breakfast Show (Radio Hallam, Sheffield):

Presenter: Of which European country is Lisbon the capital?

Contestant: Australia.

Presenter: Sorry, that's the wrong answer; we'll go to the next caller.

2nd contestant: I was going to say Australia as well. Is it Gibraltar?

From Afternoon Show (BBC Radio Bristol):

Steve Yabsley: What�s the highest mountain in the UK?

Contestant: Mount Etna.

From Quiz Night (Radio Lancashire):

Question: Who discovered gravity when an apple fell from a tree and landed on his head?

Answer: William Tell.

From Playing for Time (BBC1):

Question: What letter is used twice in the word fillet?

Contestant: Fish

From Judgemental (BBC1):

Sophie Raworth: The category, birds. When a person has no hair, they are said to be as bald as a... what? Contestant: Chicken.

Back to ITV and Family Fortunes. The plan is to guess what people might have answered to questions. For instance:

Give a reason for standing up quickly.

A: Going to church.

Name something easy to do forwards, but difficult to do backwards:

A: Eating.

Les Dennis: Name a bird that can also be a man's name.

Contestant: Chicken. Les Dennis: Name a TV show with the word "family" in the title.

Contestant: The Generation Game.

Les Dennis: Give another word for telltale.

Contestant: Telltale.

Les Dennis: Name something that could be useful to a blind man.

Answer: A sword. Les Dennis: Name someone associated with Robinson Crusoe...

Contestant: Peter Pan.

Les Dennis: Name a Parisian landmark.

Contestant (playing for Big Money): Hawaii.

Andy Collins: Name something Old Macdonald had on his farm.

Contestant: Giraffe.

Andy Collins: Name a famous historical heroine.

Contestant: Winston Churchill.

Andy Collins: Name a red liquid.

Contestant: Mercury

Collins: Is Mercury red? Let's see if it's there... No, bad luck, I didn't think it was red.

Contestant: I wasn't sure if it was red or green.

Les Dennis: Name something people believe in but cannot see.

Contestant: Hitler.

Dennis: Name a TV soap.

Contestant: Dove.

[ryyannon]

You can't beat an American education.

Yeah, that's just what one of my friends from Stanford says too - after doing a stint in a penniless French research lab.

Come to think of it, many of the best French students share your opinion as well: they dream of getting out of here and into a graduate program in the States.

I guess they lack the brains to understand how good they have it here....:-)

[Usil]

Where are the scientists going to come from in the next generation?

There is not only a gap between the rich and the poor - there seems to be a bigger gap between the educated and the stupid. I say stupid because they had the chance of an education and choose not to partake.

Usil

[ryyannon]

Various interconnected circles of money, technology, creativity, business acumen, and all the other desirable qualities you can think of....

And a huge number of the uneducated, unwilling and generally unwashed buying into everything the first group markets, offers and represents...

Bread and circuses, MTV, pimped rides, video games, petty criminality, welfare checks and McJobs - with the promise of someday winning the Loto or becoming a rock star, dope dealer or millionaire athlete.

Barring epidemics and natural catastrophies (with them, actually: they figure nicely into the equation) you can keep the whole world humming along like this for a long, long time.

Sound familiar, Usil?

Sincerely hope you're feeling better... :-).

[Usil]

Thanks, feeling much better. Insureance told me no-deal on coverage for losses. I am not worrying about it - need to moved on. Heading out to Vallle Chevreuse this weekend with the wife for a nice moto ride in the country.

I am frustrated by the 'immediate gratification' crowd which includes many kids. While my wife and I both have degrees, we were unable to convince our children on the benefits of having a higher education. While they are all doing fine now, It saddens me that they could have had a higher potential which at some point in the future, they may wish they had pursued.

Usil

[r11co]

Hmmm. My experience of students is that they generally believe the history of the world began the day they were born....

[Johnkaz]

When a moron enters a quiz show, does this mean;

They are too stupid to realise their own stupidity.

They believe they are intelligent.

Or they know they are stupid, but stupidly believe they will be among a group of bigger idiots.

I mean you would not enter a hundred metre race if you weighed 500 lbs, Would you?

Cheers Johnkaz.