Chilli cook-off

[baglc1]

Texas chilli cook-off with a Canadian Judge

A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing

then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Canada.

Frank remarked: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a

chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other

two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Monster Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy nuts, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting nuts- faced from all of the beer.

Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I nuts myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anemone. I need to wipe my [censored] with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole

in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chilli

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top

of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd

have reacted to really hot chilli?

Contest Over

[fakemaster]

My intestines exploded just reading that.