jonthebhoy

Another fantastic improvement here at RWG. Much praise to all who helped set it up. JTB

If you have got any of these, I'm in: JTB

You think? JTB

I-M-B-C

R-U-B-C ?

Paul is enjoying a bit of a renaissance at the moment and for what it's worth I would have no hesitation on giving him another try. Nice prices indeed. JTB

Welcome back Kostas. Glad you had a good time. JTB

That swung it for me! JTB

Beg to differ. JTB

When you get fed up wearing it Neil......... JTB

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to produce proper cars and elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax Collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation

1. Friendly fire - isn't. 2. Recoilless rifles - aren't. 3. Suppressive fires - won't. 4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. 5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. 7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. 8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike. 9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. 10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. 12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. 13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. 14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. 15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When they're ready. b. When you're not. 16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. 17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. 18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds. 19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. 20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. 21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. 22. The easy way is always mined. 23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. 24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. 25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. 26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. 28. Incoming fire has the right of way. 29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. 31. If the enemy is within range, so are you. 32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. 33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. 34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. 35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. 36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both). 37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. 38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. 39. Tracers work both ways. 40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. 41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. 42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. 43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. 44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. 45. Weather ain't neutral. 46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. 47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'. 49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. 50. Napalm is an area support weapon. 51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. 53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. 54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. 55. The one item you need is always in short supply. 56. Interchangeable parts aren't. 57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. 58. When in doubt, empty your magazine. 59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. 61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. 62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep. 63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass. 64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan. 65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ. 66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake. 67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many. 68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain. 69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. 70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn. 71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired. 72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. 73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. 75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything. 76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp) 77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. 78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible. 79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA. 80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. 81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence. 82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60. 83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. 84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. 85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor. 86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive. 87. Murphy was a grunt. 88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases. 89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action. 90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. 91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather. 92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance. 93. The crucial round is a dud. 94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be. 95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole. 96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you. 98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it. 99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him. 100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target. 101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. 102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. 103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness). 104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work. 105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching. 106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel. 107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet. 108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains. 109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. 110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. 111. Walking point = sniper bait. 112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day. 113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution. 114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support. 115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank. 116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd. 117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud. 118. Mine fields are not neutral. 119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it. 120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together. 121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap. 122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it. 123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous. 124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill. 125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it. 126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. 127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. 128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far. 129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything. 130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you. 131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once. 132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you. 133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't. 134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. 135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out. 136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend. 137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long 138 Smart bombs have bad days too. 139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate. 140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict. 141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea. 142 It is not advisable to eject into an area you have just bombed 143 Any or all of the above Murphy's laws combined!

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. 2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. 3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. 4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 5. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. 6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat bastard 7. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. 9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. 10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 11. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. 12. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. 13. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. 14. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. 15. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. 16. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then read the rest in a random order. 17. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 18. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. 19. 'Smart' car drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. 20. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

funemnx?

wristomania? JTB

Welcome turkey! What's a big bird like you doing in a place like this? JTB

I laughed. JTB

Welcome back Rob. Sounds like you had a great time touring Europe. JTB

Okay I'll step in.................................... ................Where's Ken? JTB

2 boys out 1 boy back mother out 1 boy back 2 boys out 1 boy back father out 1 boy back 2 boys out 9 trips

Damn.........this must be some kind of record...........we got a graph in the very first post! JTB

Must be a pain in the ass checking the time! JTB

Superb as always Puggy. JTB

Indeedy indeedy.......link works. JTB