On a lighter note - I want this Watch...

[TwoTone]

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

Double T

PS: Executive privileges posting in GD

[Ylfig]

good one

[barbosas]

hehehehe.. very funny one.

[chris5264]

the all time best watch joke,,,,,even normal people think this one is funny........

[jkerouac]

the all time best watch joke,,,,,even normal people think this one is funny........

Ehhhh, what's a normal person??

The rep of this watch is coming folks, but it will only work on women with implants.

[TwoTone]

The rep of this watch is coming folks, but it will only work on women with implants.

Do you mean "Bolt Ons"...

[jkerouac]

Do you mean "Bolt Ons"...

Team Bolt-ons

Too bad the business is on hiatus. I'm sure this t-shirt would make a lovely birthday, anniversary or Mother's Day gift.

Inspired by a design by Gerald Genta. (There, I got a watch reference in.)

[hiker01]

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

Double T

PS: Executive privileges posting in GD

I Got one:

Met a girl last night who has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh. It's amazing!!! If you put your ear to it, you don't hear the sea.. you can smell it!!!

[Ztech]

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced

That we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and

have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung

out of One Person, put it in another, and have him looking

for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced

that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another,

and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor not to be outdone, "You guys are way behind.

We took a man with no brains out of Texas; put him in the

White House and now half the country is looking for work.

A man takes his son with him to a horse farm where he has an appointment to look at a horse he intends on buying.

The father looks at the horse's hoofs, his teeth, his mane and tail. He then proceeds to feel the horse's muscles in his chest, back, shoulders, front and rear.

The son asks the father, "Dad, why are you feeling the horse like that?"

The father stops feeling the horse and replies, "Well son before you buy the horse you want to check him out and make sure he's in good condition."

After hearing this the son lets out a whimper. The father thinks this is odd, but continues inspecting the horse..........a minute or two later the father asks the son, "Son, why does this bother you?"

The son replies, "Dad I think the mailman is going to buy Mommy!"

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that

she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks .

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis

off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little

girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked

their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at

such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment

said..

"Sure had a big [censored], didn't it?"

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A quart of orange juice

A half gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A head of Romaine lettuce

A 2 lb can of coffee

and 1 lb of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk

standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the

cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt but saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her

marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what?

You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,"' Cause you're ugly."

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told My husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the Hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a. m., a Bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock In the hall started up and Cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another

9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted Solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when Totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed Three times, then said, "Oh [censored]", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's Throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then Tripped over the coffee table and farted."

The Taxman

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the

books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the

Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question

had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious

Way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the

crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realisin g that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back

to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy

biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the

know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on,"What do you do with all the

leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up

all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year

they send us a complete [censored] ."

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,

Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good new and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged.

Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient I have concluded your act displays you have a sound mind.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have

raised, the administration rejects your request for the following

reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting

other

locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in

order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as

wearing

the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have

completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and

exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona State Trooper for

speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his

speeding, and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to

make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was

doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his

head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if

that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies.."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.

They're called circle flies because they're almost always found

circling around the back end of a horse."

The Trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a

moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law

enforcement officers to call ya a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing", the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to

fool them flies though."

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona State Trooper for

speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his

speeding, and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to

make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was

doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his

head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if

that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies.."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.

They're called circle flies because they're almost always found

circling around the back end of a horse."

The Trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a

moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law

enforcement officers to call ya a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing", the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to

fool them flies though."

[Ztech]

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my [censored] is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents ?!!!!!!!!!"

The Smartest Girl in the World!

4 distinquised ctizens were on a plane to pick up their nobel prize. There were 5 people on the plane.

1) The Pilot

2) The President of the USA

3) A boyscout

4) A Preacher

5) And the Smartest girl in the world

While flying, the pilot came in and said, "we're having some engine troubles, and we're going to have to jump, BUT, there are 5 of us and only 4 parachutes). And since I'm the pilot, I get to have one. So, he took a bag a jump off.

The president said, "well, since i'm the president, the worlds needs me", he grabbed a bag and jumped off.

The smartest girl in the world said, well, since i'm the smart one, the worlds need me, so she grabbed a bag and jumped off.

Then the preacher said, "boy, you can have the last parachute, since i'm a man of God, he will take me home".

The boy scout said, "no need sir, theres 2 parachutes left, the smartest girl in the world jumped off with my backpack".

A Black, Mexican and Iraqi men are on a plane flying over the Atlantic Ocean.

Suddenly, the pilot comes to the passenger area tells everyone that they