Some Aviation Jokes

[FxrAndy]

Tower: "Delta 351, you havetraffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Giveus another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noiseabatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir,have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Lastaircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "Isaid I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach,I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student be came lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting tolocate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number onefor takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll outafter touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at theend of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at thelights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa(in German): " Ground, what isour start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you wantan answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am aGerman, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speakEnglish?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared fortakeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: < FONT color=blue>"Tower, Eastern 702switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contactDeparture on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've alreadynotified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of theactive runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crewgot on the radio and said, "Whata cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a realzinger: "Imade it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enoughparts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as ashort-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parkinglocation, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was withsome amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the follo wing exchangebetween Frankfurt ground control and a BritishAirways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi togate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where youare going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by,Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurtbefore?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I did n't land."

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While taxiing at London's GatwickAirport, the crew of a US Air flightdeparting for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrongturn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controllerlashed out at the US Air cr ew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told youto turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop rightthere. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwedeverything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there anddon't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions inabout half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tellyou, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silentafter the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging theirate ground controller in her current state of mind Tension in every cockpitout around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilotbroke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to youonce?"

[KB]

Ok they are damn funny :lol:

Ken