mircle Posted March 23, 2006 Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 these are pretty good keep'em coming onestone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Girls - Ever wonder why men have 2 hands? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted March 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 The truth about Harry... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mircle Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 TT, pace yourself! where do you get this stuff? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hok Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 (edited) MCDONNELL DOUGLAS AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________ Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________ Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________ 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? _F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified 3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________ 4. Serial Number____________________ 5. Please check where this product was purchased: _Received as Gift/Aid Package _Catalog Showroom _Sleazy Arms Broker _Mail Order _Discount Store _Government Surplus _Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: _Heard loud noise, looked up _Store Display _Espionage _Recommended by friend/relative/ally _Political lobbying by Manufacturer _Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: _Style/Appearance _Kickback/Bribe _Recommended by salesperson _Speed/Maneuverability _Comfort/Convenience _McDonnell Douglas Reputation _Advanced Weapons Systems _Price/Value _Back-Room Politics _Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: _North America _Central/South America _Aircraft Carrier _Europe _Middle East _Africa _Asia/Far East _Misc. Third-World Countries _Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future: Product Own Intend to purchase Color TV VCR ICBM Killer Satellite CD Player Air-to-Air Missiles Space Shuttle Home Computer Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply: _Communist/Socialist _Terrorist _Crazed (Islamic) _Crazed (Other) _Neutral _Democratic _Dictatorship _Corrupt (Latin American) _Corrupt (Other) _Primitive/Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? _Cash _Suitcases of Cocaine _Oil Revenues _Deficit Spending _Personal Check _Credit Card _Ransom Money _Traveler's Check 12. Occupation You Your Spouse Homemaker Sales/Marketing Revolutionary Clerical Mercenary Tyrant Middle Management Eccentric Billionaire Defense Minister/General Retired Student 13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: Activity/Interest You Your Spouse Golf Boating/Sailing Sabotage Running/Jogging Propaganda/Disinformation Destabilizing/Overthrow Default on Loans Gardening Crafts Black Market/Smuggling Collectibles/Collections Watching Sports on TV Wines Interrogation/Torture Household Pets Crushing Rebellions Espionage/Reconnaissance Fashion Clothing Border Disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDonnell Douglas Corporation Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800 St. Louis, MO 55500 Edited March 24, 2006 by Hok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hok Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 (edited) " Why Men Stand to Pee " Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra benefits/things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability. Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to...please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand" On and on he went, Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it and she really wouldn't mind. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..." A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Surrogate Father The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!" Edited March 24, 2006 by Hok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted April 4, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hok Posted April 9, 2006 Report Share Posted April 9, 2006 A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you" >"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £100 an hour" > >" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she >replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" >So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large >bedsprings and a duck caller "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your >limbs." > >The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to >her >hands and knees. >"Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on >the springs > >"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this >very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. > >The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic >German, all the time honking on the duck caller. > >The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is >several minutes before she has recovered her breath. > >Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?" > >"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted April 10, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 10, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted April 18, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 18, 2006 A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted June 10, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. "Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted June 10, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 My Job History... My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate... Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the axe... After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job... Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting... Then, I tried to be a chief, I figured it would add a little spice to my life. But I just didn't have the thyme... I attempted to be a deli-worker, but any way you slice it I couldn't cut the mustard... My best job was job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy... I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience... Next, was a job in shoe factory, I tried, But I just didn't fit in... I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income... I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company but the work was just too draining... So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job... After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian, until I realized there was no future in it... My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind... So, I tried retirement, and found I'm perfect for the job... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoTone Posted June 15, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2006 Naughty Pussies... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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