Joke of the Day...

[mircle]

these are pretty good

keep'em coming onestone

[TwoTone]

[TwoTone]

[TwoTone]

[TwoTone]

[TwoTone]

Girls - Ever wonder why men have 2 hands?

[TwoTone]

[TwoTone]

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[TwoTone]

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[TwoTone]

The truth about Harry...

[mircle]

TT, pace yourself! where do you get this stuff?

[Hok]

MCDONNELL DOUGLAS

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In

order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to

fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey

questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop

new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package

_Catalog Showroom

_Sleazy Arms Broker

_Mail Order

_Discount Store

_Government Surplus

_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you

have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up

_Store Display

_Espionage

_Recommended by friend/relative/ally

_Political lobbying by Manufacturer

_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your

decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance

_Kickback/Bribe

_Recommended by salesperson

_Speed/Maneuverability

_Comfort/Convenience

_McDonnell Douglas Reputation

_Advanced Weapons Systems

_Price/Value

_Back-Room Politics

_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America

_Central/South America

_Aircraft Carrier

_Europe

_Middle East

_Africa

_Asia/Far East

_Misc. Third-World Countries

_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase

in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase

Color TV

VCR

ICBM

Killer Satellite

CD Player

Air-to-Air Missiles

Space Shuttle

Home Computer

Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all

that apply:

_Communist/Socialist

_Terrorist

_Crazed (Islamic)

_Crazed (Other)

_Neutral

_Democratic

_Dictatorship

_Corrupt (Latin American)

_Corrupt (Other)

_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash

_Suitcases of Cocaine

_Oil Revenues

_Deficit Spending

_Personal Check

_Credit Card

_Ransom Money

_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Homemaker

Sales/Marketing

Revolutionary

Clerical

Mercenary

Tyrant

Middle Management

Eccentric Billionaire

Defense Minister/General

Retired

Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate

the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy

participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse

Golf

Boating/Sailing

Sabotage

Running/Jogging

Propaganda/Disinformation

Destabilizing/Overthrow

Default on Loans

Gardening

Crafts

Black Market/Smuggling

Collectibles/Collections

Watching Sports on TV

Wines

Interrogation/Torture

Household Pets

Crushing Rebellions

Espionage/Reconnaissance

Fashion Clothing

Border Disputes

Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your

answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas

serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive

mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,

extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDonnell Douglas Corporation

Marketing Department

Military Aerospace Division

P.O. Box 800

St. Louis, MO 55500

Edited March 24, 2006 by Hok

[Hok]

" Why Men Stand to Pee "

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two

extra benefits/things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to

split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the

things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if

either one of you wanted the ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love

to...please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so

great!

When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just

stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in

the sand" On and on he went, Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam

really wanted that so badly, that he should have it and she really

wouldn't mind.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his

misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy,

laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's

left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided

to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the

day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his

wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby

photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to

explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?"

the photographer asked. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty

of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please

come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing,

"Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually

try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a

couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun

too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work

for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee

a good one every time. But if we try several different

positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure

you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam,

in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love

to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed

with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out

a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the

top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you

consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde

Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around

four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened

in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three

hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling

- I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached

and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels

began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed

on your, um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set

up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Edited March 24, 2006 by Hok

[TwoTone]

[Hok]

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"

>"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £100 an hour"

>

>" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she

>replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

>So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

>bedsprings and a duck caller "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your

>limbs."

>

>The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to

>her

>hands and knees.

>"Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on

>the springs

>

>"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this

>very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

>

>The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic

>German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

>

>The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is

>several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

>

>Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"

>

>"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

[TwoTone]

[TwoTone]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[TwoTone]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. "Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

[TwoTone]

My Job History...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.

I couldn't concentrate...

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it.

So they gave me the axe...

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.

Mainly because it was a sew-sew job...

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting...

Then, I tried to be a chief, I figured it would add a little spice to my life.

But I just didn't have the thyme...

I attempted to be a deli-worker, but any way you slice it I couldn't cut the mustard...

My best job was job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy...

I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn't have any patience...

Next, was a job in shoe factory, I tried, But I just didn't fit in...

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income...

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company

but the work was just too draining...

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job...

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian,

until I realized there was no future in it...

My last job was working in Starbucks,

but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind...

So, I tried retirement, and found I'm perfect for the job...

[TwoTone]

Naughty Pussies...