Qantas airplane check procedures

[sssurfer]

After every flight, Australian Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that Aussie ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: I.F.F. inoperative in O.F.F. mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[LordRasta]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Surfer, I needed a real good laugh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

[LordRasta]

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

This is the best one of all.

[robertk]

LOL! Good one. this one has been attributed to most airlines over the years. I think American Airlines was the last one.

Good stuff, nevertheless.

[sssurfer]

This is the best one of all.

My favourite is:

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

I bet it was very rough!!!

[Dizzy]

haha thats awesome!

[Guest watchbuff]

I got an olllllllllld one I heard when I started flying.

Pilot of a 747 landing in Berlin taxies off the runway and needs clarification of taxi instructions.

Pilot: TWA 717 at intersection Kilo Charlie requests progessive taxi to the terminal

Tower:

TWA 717 turn right, at Alpha, right at foxtrot, left on delta,delta, to the high speed and right again on Bravo, to November and right on Echo and hold for further ramp instructions."

After a brief silence...

Tower:

TWA 717 Read back taxi instructions and proceed with out delay.

Now the tower is getting angry that the jet has made a wrong turn from the start, and the tower yells: "TWA 717 hold there and await assistance vehicle at the run-up area, you made quite a mess of my ground sequence...have you not been to Berlin before?"

Without missing a beat the pilot responds:

Yes few times in the 40's but I never landed, and only to drop something off"