few good jokes from my collection

[llsteve80]

A man calls his boss one morning to say he's too sick to come to work

"whats the matter?" the boss asks

"i have a severe case of anal glaucoma" the man says

"that sounds like a load of crap, what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

The man replies, "I can't see my ass coming to work today"

A boy comes home from school and tells his dad that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between

"potentially" and "realistically"

"easy" says his dad, "go ask your mom is she'd screw the mailman for a million dollars"

The boy runs off, comes back and says "she said hell yes"

"ok, now go ask your sister the same thing" the dad says

The boy returns and says "she said yes too."

The father says, "ok, look, potentially, we're sitting on 2 million dollars, realistically, we're just living with a couple of whores."

A man is in the hospital recovering from surgery. The surgeon comes in and says, "I have some good news, and some bad news"

"the bad news is we accidentally amputated your right leg. Tomorrow we're going to have to take the left"

"Dammit doc," says the man. "what could possibly be the good news?"

"The guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes."

Q: What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

A: It may take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning

Strolling through a park, Shelock Holmes and Dr. Watson pass three women on a bench eating bananas.

"good day, ladies," shelock says.

"you know them?" asks watson.

"if you're referring the the nun, the [censored] and the married woman, no I don't"

"then how did you deduce that, sir."

"elementary watson, the nun eats her banana in small slices, and the [censored] shoves it down her

throat with both hands."

"And was the third woman wearing a wedding ring" watson asks.

"No, she was holding the banana in one hand and pushing her head toward it with the other"

a kindergarten teacher asks her class,

"what vegetable makes your eyes water?"

One boy raises his hand and says, "an eggplant."

"no," says the teacher, "an onion"

"an ONION!!?" asks the boy, "Have you ever been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

A nun wearing a full black habit is walking past a bar when a drink man stumbles out, sees her,

and punches her in the face. Before she can scream, he lands a quick jab and finishes with an uppercut.

She goes done, and the drunk starts kicking her in the sides. A few of his friends walk out of the bar, and as they pull him

off the bloody nun, he yells, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman!"

[Victoria]

My favourite American jokes of them all -- Helen Keller jokes.

Q: What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

A: Endless love

Q: What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked down some merchandise?

A: Just looking!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

A: She answered the stapler

Q: Why did Helen Keller wear gloves?

A: So she wouldn't get a sore throat

And my favourite:

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other

Freebie Chav Joke:

Q: Why did the chav stare long and hard at the Orange Juice carton?

A: It said "Concentrate"

And one more. Actress playing Helen Keller on stage.