trailboss Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. ------------------ God Save the Queen! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg_r Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demsey Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Tsk, tsk. No one likes a sore loser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg_r Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Tsk, tsk. No one likes a sore loser. pffft - Losers? Nonsense. King George just decided there were better things to do with his money than fight you lot.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oscarmadfish Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmurphy926 Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 In regards to rule #11...We'd have to cut our balls off and learn to drop like we were shot by a sniper every time someone looked at us funny in order to stop playing American (or men's) football and start playing your football. And stop sending people from that continent to the NBA!!! They are trying to bring that same girly tactic to another of our games!! ...And, you make it sound like the British granted us our independence...We kicked your ass and took it!! (How's that for a typical American Nascar lovin' yeahoo statement?!?) I have to agree with the beer and fish-n-chips comments though. Now go brush your teeth and leave us alone!! P.S. Why doesn't Liz smile and show us her pearly yellows? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllergyDoc Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Wait a minute, did the Aussies fight in our War of Independence? Or does Col still consider himself part of the Queen's Empire? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg_r Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 In regards to rule #11...We'd have to cut our balls off and learn to drop like we were shot by a sniper every time someone looked at us funny in order to stop playing American (or men's) football and start playing your football. And stop sending people from that continent to the NBA!!! They are trying to bring that same girly tactic to another of our games!! ...And, you make it sound like the British granted us our independence...We kicked your ass and took it!! (How's that for a typical American Nascar lovin' yeahoo statement?!?) I have to agree with the beer and fish-n-chips comments though. Now go brush your teeth and leave us alone!! P.S. Why doesn't Liz smile and show us her pearly yellows? My wife (who hails from that side of the pond) said something similar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graman Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Hmmmm....very amusing. We speak English (not Dutch) because of 1776. We also use roundabouts and have an English sense of humour and spelling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmurphy926 Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 My wife (who hails from that side of the pond) said something similar Your wife is obviously a smart lady. My complements to you for marrying someone like that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg_r Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Your wife is obviously a smart lady. My complements to you for marrying someone like that! What's worse is that I can't stand Soccer, but enjoy NFL & Hockey. Maybe we should emigrate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demsey Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 pffft - Losers? Nonsense. King George just decided there were better things to do with his money than fight you lot.... That's right, I forgot, France and Spain bankrupted the crown on the open ocean. lol 'France'. That has to hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmurphy926 Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 What's worse is that I can't stand Soccer, but enjoy NFL & Hockey. Maybe we should emigrate Then you'll like this: Rugby and Aussie football are surely manly games, but the reason our guys wear pads is so they can make hits like that. BTW - That's my new favorite Bronco. He started the year as a special team rookie, but last week he started at fullback, middle linebacker, and special teams. Something that hasn't happened in the NFL in a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demsey Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Your wife is obviously a smart lady. My complements to you for marrying someone like that! What's worse is that I can't stand Soccer, but enjoy NFL & Hockey. Maybe we should emigrate Well, as a card carrying US military brat, I married the Rhodean girl, and think the NFL is a 'thug' sport. I'll take a day of Rugby sevens and a good pub meal any time the exchange rate will allow. Looks like this is my year. Had to pass on this one past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmurphy926 Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 That's right, I forgot, France and Spain bankrupted the crown on the open ocean. lol 'France'. That has to hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onzenuub Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 Does her royal higness would have roayal boobies????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luthier Posted November 18, 2008 Report Share Posted November 18, 2008 I was always curious - why americans call it "football" ? I't's, actuarry, "grab, smash, crush and run", not a football. Oh, maybe because they use legs to run... And yes - Viva metric system!!! I live in USA for 19 years, and I measure things every day, but still can't understand these stupid inches. And - no way left side driving. I smashed my g/f's car on the first crossroad in Tokyo, and it took a week for me to get used to drive on left side. It's horrible. 4th of July is a sacred day, don't touch it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg_r Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 And - no way left side driving. I smashed my g/f's car on the first crossroad in Tokyo, and it took a week for me to get used to drive on left side. It's horrible. LOL - I've done a lot of driving in both Europe and the US and never really had any trouble in getting used to driving on the 'other' side of the road.... You should try driving in Malta - I've spent a fair amount of time there and they drive on whichever side is in the shade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luthier Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 LOL - I've done a lot of driving in both Europe and the US and never really had any trouble in getting used to driving on the 'other' side of the road.... You should try driving in Malta - I've spent a fair amount of time there and they drive on whichever side is in the shade Malta? Never been there. Is there long jail terms for killing pedestrians? Well... I finally get used to drive on left side, crossed all Malaysia on the car, drove in Hong Kong, Thailand, and in my second home country- Japan. But still hate it, especially if I drive a car with stick shift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ta8088 Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 That's some funny [censored] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg_r Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 Malta? Never been there. Is there long jail terms for killing pedestrians? No - I think it's the national sport.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luthier Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 No - I think it's the national sport.... Then the gold medal is mine, for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greg_r Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 Then the gold medal is mine, for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flashman Posted March 6, 2010 Report Share Posted March 6, 2010 Spiffing stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailboss Posted March 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 Spiffing stuff. Thank you sir, Pip Pip. Col. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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