The first Chrissy joke of the season

[KB]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a cigarette lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the Pearly Gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And so the Christmas Season begins...

Ken

[cornerstone]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[KB]

CS, you and me need to start looking for fresh material.

Ken

[Seadweller4000]

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

[KB]

:lol:

Gotta pay that one

Ken

[Johnkaz]

I found this, not my own work but amusing.

The Redneck Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;

Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:

The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!

The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."

Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"

Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.

This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin'

But the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!"

That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.

"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!"

The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer Got into the air,

The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin' At all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:

"Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right.

That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

Cheers Johnkaz.

[therebel]

Haha thanks for the laughs guys. It was a depressing day with the rainy weather outside.

[cornerstone]

Did you hear about the poor kid who told his parents, "I wanna watch for Christmas?"

They let him.