The late great Tommy Cooper

[jonthebhoy]

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at

least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy

marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for

shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid

that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled

him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire

in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and

heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van

covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's

cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball

stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can

you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad, or my older Brother Colin, or

my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?

But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving

today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking

Fine.'

So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in

several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies

so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the

night.

24. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks

the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'

'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

25. "It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a

library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.

But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone

joins in."

26. "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your

trouser legs and put it in a library.

I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

27. "I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

28. "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip

outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

29. "I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang

up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been

promoted again. And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

[fitmic]

Amazing!

LMAO

[Slartibartfast]

Pure Genius

[Guest TTK]

Tommy Cooper and Chic Murray...2x of my all time favourites...!

Chic Murray:

I fell over over and a guy walked up and said.."did you fall"?....."No...I've got a bar of chocolate in my hip pocket and I'm trying to break it..."!

And some more.....!

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, Chic lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself.

I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was walking along the road. I knew I was walking because one foot was following the other. A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.

[jonthebhoy]

Great to be reminded of these Neil. Superb!

JTB

[narikaa]

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