Jeremy Clarkson

[Johnkaz]

For those among you who may not know, Jeremy Clarkson is the UKs number one motoring journo, He is as opinionated as Idi Amin, as Right wing as Attilla the hun, and anti any transport that does not do 60 mph in 5 seconds flat. He particularily hates, Diesel cars, American cars, caravans and cyclist. But love him or hate him it is hard not to laugh at some of his rhetoric.

Jeremy's quotes:

'I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.'

'... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany '

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: 'there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

'The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite'

'The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.'

'Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?'

'This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.''

'I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?'

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.'

' Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.'

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: 'Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?'

'Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!'

On the Lotus Elise: 'This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.'

'Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer.'

'I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.'

'There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.'

'Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.'

'You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!'

'Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.'

On the Porsche Cayenne: 'Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.'

Cheers Johnkaz

[hyster]

He is a pompus [censored] but I watch every show he does, he's always entertaining.

Some great quotes there Johnkaz.

[b16a2]

Jeremy Clarkson is an absolute genius when it come to entertainment. Reading through those really brought a smile to my face. For those that haven't heard him saying them in person are missing out. The context and the way he emphasises them is so funny, they lose a little in writing.

[chronoluvvv]

there is always a little truth in every joke

[Antonio]

Clarkson is pure brilliance. I love watching him on Top Gear. His Britishisms, command of the English language, knowledge of cars... It's a fantastic package.

We're making a US version of Top Gear. It will suck. Like all American tries at great Brit shows. You haven't lived until you've seen the episodes where they buy cars in Miami and drive to New Orleans. Or the same type of thing driving across Africa. Or Hammond racing a Veyron against a Eurofighter. It's one of the most beautifully shot shows on television. Ever. The three presenters have chemistry like no other, and their little challenges (like racing amphibious cars that they themselves had made) across the English Channel are epic. Great fun to watch even if you're not into cars.

JC on the Nissan Micra (in pink): "It looks like a scrotum."

JC on just about everything: "How hard can it be?" (right before they find out just how almost impossibly hard it is!).

Hell, even his "Some say..." intros for the Stig are worth watching the whole show for.

[FxrAndy]

Have you read his books also, Nothing better to pass a bit of time. I Ride a harley so that make me instantly riduclued by him but i love the show.