Have a laff

[jonthebhoy]

1. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

2. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

4. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

5. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.''Is it common?” "It's not unusual."

6. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"

7. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift? I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

8. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

9. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

10. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

11. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just having a look around.'

12. "It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

13. "I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

14. "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

15. "I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been

promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

[gran]

"No, the steaks are too high."

However this one needs some explaining:

14. "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

?

[jonthebhoy]

"No, the steaks are too high."

However this one needs some explaining:

14. "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

?

Skipping - Exercise......sometimes with a rope. Boxers do it.

A Skip - Large metal container for loading debris into in house renovations.

JTB

[gran]

Skipping - Exercise......sometimes with a rope. Boxers do it.

A Skip - Large metal container for loading debris into in house renovations.

JTB

[KB]

I have to admit most are groaners and old ones too but for some reason this one.......

12. "It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

always cracks me up

Ken