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This Was Posted By A Guy Who Purchased His Lovely Wife A "pocket Taser" For Their Anniversary

Glitch

By Glitch
in The looney bin

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Glitch Newbie

Glitch

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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taserwere supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing the user adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that "it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries,... right?" There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would "shock and disorient your assailant"; a two-second burst was supposed to"cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control"; a three-second burst would purportedly "make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water." And any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 1 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with just two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it Master," and reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... So, I decided to give myself a one-second burst . . . just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@ !!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, Do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, I offer you one note of caution: There is no such thing as a "one-second burst" when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Athree second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like Hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Bobby

Edited by Glitch
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sssurfer Newbie

sssurfer

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Darwin rules: testicles off, no more little idiots from that big idiot. :lol:

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Febus Newbie

Febus

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Great story.

I recently passed my friend a handbag sized spray of CS gas that I bought for my girlfriend before we left France (Highly illegal in most places in Europe). He had no idea what it was but there's a picture of France on the front of it so I guess it looks like a souvenir.

I didn't mention what it was. He then proceeds to spray it on himself like after shave while I watch stunned and with horror.

Anyway after 10 minutes of coughing, sneezing and choking while he showered it off I suggested that maybe, just maybe something with 'incapicitent gel' written on it probably isn't the best thing to 'splash all over'.

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