Dating Advice - I really Screwed up and didn't perform

[redroom]

Well I know this forum is made up mostly of guys, and probably guys that have been successful with woman so I'm posting this.

I'm really, really, REALLY beating myself up over something that happened this weekend and I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me some advice. Like some guys I have always suffered from the "nice guy " syndrome, and not being aggressive enough with women. Over the years I have gotten better at this, but I made such a huge blunder this weekend I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I really feel sick about it.

Basically I met a girl a few months ago (lets call her Diana) who I was really attracted to. I noticed we had a lot in common and we hit it off but I didn't take it so serious because we are both studying/working abroad (her from UK me from USA) and I was going to be leaving soon. I didn't get her number and we didn't see each other until two weeks ago when she happened to be going on a group weekend trip.

Although we went on this group trip with about 15 people, her and I spent a lot of time alone together - walking around seeing the sights, chatting etc. We had a really great time and I realized I was falling in love with her. Nothing physical happened but I really enjoyed her company more than I have enjoyed another girls company for a VERY long time.

At the end of the weekend trip I invited her to a party that I was having at my flat(apartment) which was just this last weekend.

She came and we chatted a bit at the party and danced a little but didn't really spend that much time together. (There were about 50 people and it was a CRAZY party). Later that night I went to go pass out in my room and I noticed that her friend was guarding my door. Her friend said that Diana was sleeping, I told her "well this is my room". Then this girl said "hang on" and went to go talk to Diana about who I was. Then she came back after a minute of talking to Diana and said "OK, you can come in". (I was laughing about this one).

So I get into my bed and sure enough there she was - fully clothed but the girl of my dreams in my bed.

I knew she was awake and we instantly started kissing, making-out etc. Nothing heavy.

But again I was really drunk and I passed out after a few minutes.

The next morning we both woke up (sober) and spent some time chatting, laughing about the party. She was looking at me, so I leaned over and kissed her but just small kisses and nothing heavy. She kept on laying there and I just laid there and didn't do anything more. I know she wanted more and was hinting but I just didn't have it in me that morning. Awhile later I just got out of my bed and left her there! She got up and left my place a few minutes later and just said "bye".

Now I haven't spoken to her and I don't know how to handle this! I can't believe I was such a wussy!!

She really is the girl of my dreams, but I don't want to tell her this because I know she wants a challenge. I am also quite a bit older than her (I'm 31 she is 23) so I know she expects me to take charge and I didn't'! She is definitely the "bad-girl" type and I am the opposite and now I am afraid she thinks I'm gay or a huge wimp.

The truth was that I was a bit too hung-over to perform even if I wanted so I didn't try. Also I had a one-night stand the day before the party and didn't even have time to shower. Both of these things were on my mind...

What should I do? I sent her an email inviting her to my place for dinner which she didn't even respond to. But I might see her at a birthday party of a common friend on Wednesday.

Any advice from you guys?

By the way, she never mentioned any of my watches expect when she moved my SFSO on my dresser to get a glass of water and commented - "This thing is massive!" in a very cute British accent.

Edited November 20, 2007 by redroom

[piratedzeus]

Well... continue where you stopped? If she is clever she might understand why nothing happened that morning... maybe tell here when you meet here how bad you felt that morning from all the alcohol....

Edited November 20, 2007 by piratedzeus

[8o8]

firstly, let me correct you and say that her name is not diana, its erin. get this right and your off to a good start

I'm no romeo but I think if you keep doing the, hey I'm interested and then switch it off for a bit then repeat the process she may respond well. People tend to want what they cant have, just dont switch it off long enough for her to find new interests.

[baglc1]

Dear Deadre,

I went out the oth...... Sorry wrong Forum.

[jkarpas]

Give her a nice watch and she will be begging you ! , now seriously i dont know this girl's character but i think that you should insist on that dinner you invited her to.

Wait for her mail and if she doesnt respond talk to her at your friends birthday, ask her if she got your email. After some hour propose her to leave the boring party and go have a drink (just one , not too much!) at your flat. You know the rest...

Maybe she is more of the girl that doesnt care about a relationship or maybe she does.. the test of time will show.

Good luck my friend , i had the same situation in the past when i was with a girl at my bedroom and suddenly my father came back from work at home. He interrupted us and i never saw her again because i was moving too slow and i could have made it before my father came .

And remember ALWAYS wear protection and remove your watches prior to any sexual activities if they are not waterproof or have sharp edges.

Hope i helped.

[aeroflott]

I can't see what the problem is.

Most British girls like a man to hold off a little. Wading in all guns blazing (as you guys over the pond generally like to do) I suspect would be a turn off for her, plus given the state you were clearly in, your performance may have been a little under par anyway?

Pick up the phone and ask her out to dinner, and keep doing what you're doing, would be my advice.

Mind you I'm the last person you should ask!

Good luck!

A

[redroom]

Haha, yeah your right maybe my problem is that I mixed up the names...Actually her real name is Emily. And she is so HOT. (Never thought I would ever be attracted to a english girl).

firstly, let me correct you and say that her name is not diana, its erin. get this right and your off to a good start

I'm no romeo but I think if you keep doing the, hey I'm interested and then switch it off for a bit then repeat the process she may respond well. People tend to want what they cant have, just dont switch it off long enough for her to find new interests.

[dadog13]

I really hope that Miss Understood reads this topic...her advice will be priceless!

[redroom]

Well the problem is that she was in my bed. If a girl goes through actually gets into your bed and you don't do anything that looks pretty bad. Not only am I embarrassed but she probably feels embarrassed now....Thats the main issue.

But anyways, thanks all for the advice - I will try to do some repair work on this if I see her tomorrow (hope, hope).

I can't see what the problem is.

Most British girls like a man to hold off a little. Wading in all guns blazing (as you guys over the pond generally like to do) I suspect would be a turn off for her, plus given the state you were clearly in, your performance may have been a little under par anyway?

Pick up the phone and ask her out to dinner, and keep doing what you're doing, would be my advice.

Mind you I'm the last person you should ask!

Good luck!

A

[Guest TTK]

By the way, she never mentioned any of my watches expect when she moved my SFSO on my dresser to get a glass of water and commented - "This thing is massive!" in a very cute British accent.

Call her up...tell her you're hung like a horse....then when you get to the nitty gritty and she sees you're not....tell her 'I lied"....'but you're here now anyway'.....do the horizontal mambo.....then kick her out in the morning ...promising to call her.....and then don't.....she has no appreciation of watches....therefore.....she ain't "the one"...simply a blip on your radar......

[redroom]

To be honest I would be more suspicious of a girl that excessively fawned over my possessions. I buy and wear my watches for myself. If other people like and appreciate them - great, but not what I'm aiming for.

Call her up...tell her you're hung like a horse....then when you get to the nitty gritty and she sees you're not....tell her 'I lied"....'but you're here now anyway'.....do the horizontal mambo.....then kick her out in the morning ...promising to call her.....and then don't.....she has no appreciation of watches....therefore.....she ain't "the one"...simply a blip on your radar......

[LordRasta]

You seem sincere so let me help you out.....

If you see her this Wednesday, kindly ask her if you can have a moment of her time. Explain to her that you have genuine feelings for her and not a "hit it and quit it" syndrome. You say she likes "bad" boys and you obviously are not. You also have to factor in the distance that will soon be between you both. I hate to say it but I don't think she shares the same feelings as you, she wanted to screw and you wanted it to be more or you would of been ALL over her. Men by nature are hunters. Whether she listens to you or blows you off, you can walk away with your head held high and your pride intact. I challenge any man on this forum to recall by name EVERY one night stand. There is a reason we cannot....

[Guest watchbuff]

"This thing is massive!" in a very cute British accent.

Be confident, not cocky.

Treat her like a lady in public, and be agressive (but not over the top) in the bedroom.

Lord Rasta has it right, the best thing to do is try to re-take the ground you lost and show here you care, and hopefully it will work out.

[redroom]

I agree with some of what Lord Rasta said but I'm trying to find the best way to handle this without showing any of my cards. If I start talking about "my feelings" for her etc, before we have even established any sort of relationship I fear I may set my "nice guy" status in stone. I think she is usually more into the tougher guys who don't exactly have talks about their "emotions and feelings".

I'm trying to find an angle where I can save face and somehow turn it into a power move rather than showing weakness.

I know this is very hard to do after what I did, but I really do think this will be my best shot.

Our relationship was becoming interesting because we were able to share some witty banter and we both showed that we were willing to stand up to each other when one of us was being a smart-ass.

I was thinking of going with the angle of "well I guess you didn't turn me on enough, maybe next time you'll do better" with a smile...

Does anyone think this might backfire?

Be confident, not cocky.

Treat her like a lady in public, and be agressive (but not over the top) in the bedroom.

Lord Rasta has it right, the best thing to do is try to re-take the ground you lost and show here you care, and hopefully it will work out.

[LordRasta]

I may be wrong because I don't know this young lady, but I think she's just looking for a good time and nothing more. Cut your losses and don't get anymore hurt then you already are.

[Corgi]

Why do things in today's modern world always have to be so sexual? Time was you wouldn't think about that until the wedding bells rung, but these days, such values have become completely obsolete. What a said age we have created indeed.

Anyway, to reiterate, I think if you have an honest talk with her (try to pick a romantic location), she will understand for certain. If she still stayed after seeing you inanely rambling about in your drunken stupor then I assume she must have feelings for you still.

Good luck.

[LordRasta]

Why do things in today's modern world always have to be so sexual?

Because unfortunately we live in a "try it on before you buy it" society now. I agree it's a damn shame but of course I say that as the father of a teenage daughter.

[cornerstone]

Time was you wouldn't think about that until the wedding bells rung, but these days, such values have become completely obsolete. What a said age we have created indeed.

Yeah, that was back when folk married at 12

As LordRasta kind of said earlier - you're not controlling this situation. She wants what she wants.

Not sleeping with her wasn't the problem - I mean, how many one night stands have ended up in the same predicament.....wanting a second-night-stand?!

Emailing was a bad move, unless you didn't have her number. Better to look like you didn't care, even though you did really.

Then again, I'm long since out of the dating game. WTF do I know?!?!

[redroom]

I completely agree with you. I'm of the old-fashioned type myself but I really have learned that I have to be more aggressive and sexual in order for girls to take me seriously. If not, it seems I instantly fall into the "nice guy" or "must be gay' category with the women I'm dating. As a result I have had many more partners than I ever wanted and I've been put in extremely uncomfortable situations such as this one.

It just seems that with the "blurring" of the line of genders in todays society most young women aren't growing up learning what truly makes a man a man. Instead I have to do things that I'm not completely comfortable with in order to prove that I'm not part of the "gray" area which has become so large.

Why do things in today's modern world always have to be so sexual? Time was you wouldn't think about that until the wedding bells rung, but these days, such values have become completely obsolete. What a said age we have created indeed.

Anyway, to reiterate, I think if you have an honest talk with her (try to pick a romantic location), she will understand for certain. If she still stayed after seeing you inanely rambling about in your drunken stupor then I assume she must have feelings for you still.

Good luck.

[LordRasta]

This thread really burns my chaps and I'll tell you why. Redroom did the right thing by not sleeping with her. Like he stated, he was recently with someone else and didn't even have a chance to wash that woman off his body before being with another one. So basically he's being burned for being respectful but she doesn't know why he turned her down. Of course everything goes in the crapper if he tells her. The bottom line is some women no longer look for gentlemen. I watch at work when people are in the lobby waiting for the elevator and when it comes, most of the men just bowl over the women to get in the damn thing. None of them hold open doors, hold out a chair, get the car door, etc. I feel sorry for my kids, their generation doesn't even respect themselves so how can they respect others?

[docblackrock]

I was thinking of going with the angle of "well I guess you didn't turn me on enough, maybe next time you'll do better" with a smile...

Does anyone think this might backfire?

*tumbleweed rolling*

Yes, the recoil will be THAT deafening in silence. Don't. Even. Think. About. It. She laid it on a plate. You declined. She'll be hurt and not a little [censored] off. Trying sarcasm as an American to a Brit in this situation will go down like a bucket of cold sick

Look, kudos to you for 'fessing up to such an embarrassment, but you know we've all been there. It's the ones that get away that haunt us most, as you will probably find out in this case (sorry just my opinion).

Your only hope of redemption is to be bold, open and honest, grab the bull by the horns (literally) when you next see her. Sure not every girl likes nice guys, but I can guarantee you NO girl likes a wimp. Beneath contempt. Pull her aside at that next party once she's hqd a drink, a quiet corner but not too quiet, look her in the eye, smile, and tell her what you want. Don't [censored], just say the other night was a mistake, don't try and explain. From that point, the path ahead is clear depending on her response.

However, judging by your posting this in the first place and some of your responses, I do think that you're perhaps not cut out for this type of play, but it obviously bothers you enough to try and change how you react in certain situations. Well here's your chance. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

[redroom]

Alright..

Well thanks for everyones thoughts and advice. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes on Wednesday. I'm not sure how exactly I will approach this, but I'll feel it out with her (if she's even there) and see what happens.

If I end up making this work out it will be a miracle. I didn't mention it but I already screwed up once with this girl the first time I met her. I said "Oh England, hmm..thats one of the countries in the world where the men tend to be more attractive than the women". She didn't take that one very well, yelled at me and stormed off.

She was able to laugh that one off later, so hopefully she can forgive this one..

As you can tell I'm Mr. Smooth hahah...

*tumbleweed rolling*

Yes, the recoil will be THAT deafening in silence. Don't. Even. Think. About. It. She laid it on a plate. You declined. She'll be hurt and not a little [censored] off. Trying sarcasm as an American to a Brit in this situation will go down like a bucket of cold sick

Look, kudos to you for 'fessing up to such an embarrassment, but you know we've all been there. It's the ones that get away that haunt us most, as you will probably find out in this case (sorry just my opinion).

Your only hope of redemption is to be bold, open and honest, grab the bull by the horns (literally) when you next see her. Sure not every girl likes nice guys, but I can guarantee you NO girl likes a wimp. Beneath contempt. Pull her aside at that next party once she's hqd a drink, a quiet corner but not too quiet, look her in the eye, smile, and tell her what you want. Don't [censored], just say the other night was a mistake, don't try and explain. From that point, the path ahead is clear depending on her response.

However, judging by your posting this in the first place and some of your responses, I do think that you're perhaps not cut out for this type of play, but it obviously bothers you enough to try and change how you react in certain situations. Well here's your chance. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

[Victoria]

Redroom, on the off-chance you are being serious, I can't believe you would seriously think any woman would think 'you're gay' or not 'hard' (I love double entendres) because you didn't pounce on her like a gorilla. Do men really think like this? (Ay, please). I read this thread with incredulity, because it's fly-on-the-wall time for me. :jerry:

So you like bad girls, and you fear you've crossed into "Best Friend" territory because she laid it on a plate, and you didn't perform (ay, please).

From what I gather you like this type of bad girl, and you have had problems in the past along these lines.

First, I have no idea what your idea of bad girl is. Does that mean she's into tattoos, drinks, swears like a sailor, likes a bit of rumpus, and will fight any girl who disses her at the drop of a hat? I love her already!

Second, why do you like bad girls if you know you're not their type?

Bad girls (that is, my own idea of what a bad girl is) tend to use men like you and discard them like babies dummies. Why would you in a million years want to put yourself through that pain? Unless you subconsciously want that.

I wish I could tell you, "I can't wait for the followup" but I really can wait. For your sake.

Again, on the off-chance you were being serious, good luck. Seems like you'll either walk away satiated, or with a black eye.

[iceberg1459]

Well, it was going to be a typical one-night-stand but she couldnt even get satisfied enough.Maybe she was not a girl for you, not mature enough, i suggest you not to run after her.

Only advice i can give, be yourself, keep it cool, dont think too much, u think too much about things like "nice-guy" type "bad-girl" type and dont fall in love with stupid girls, just **** them good and they will follow you and you call them only when u need them

[redroom]

I'm being completely serious.

No I don't mean bad-girl like beating up a biker-gang and arson bad-girl.

I mean she's dresses with a little more style and edge than the typical girl, asserts herself, and stays out a bit later than most.

She's a city-girl, born and grew up in Central London, she's traveled the world , is well-read and has fantastic somewhat tom-boyish taste (not in watches but in everything else).

I guess "bad-girl" is the wrong word...It's more that I like girls that have strong opinions, listen to mine, can talk about abstract subjects, are fun to debate with and don't just want a successful "husband in a box" whom they don't even get to know so that they can quit their job and start raising babies.

So yes "bad-girl" is the wrong word, and I already know I can anticipate some trouble for even using it to mean something "good".

Anyways, yeah we'll see how it goes. Not much I can do, and in either case I will probably be better off not thinking about it anymore. Since more analysis at this point isn't going to help.

Redroom, on the off-chance you are being serious, I can't believe you would seriously think any woman would think 'you're gay' or not 'hard' (I love double entendres) because you didn't pounce on her like a gorilla. Do men really think like this? (Ay, please). I read this thread with incredulity, because it's fly-on-the-wall time for me. :jerry:

So you like bad girls, and you fear you've crossed into "Best Friend" territory because she laid it on a plate, and you didn't perform (ay, please).

From what I gather you like this type of bad girl, and you have had problems in the past along these lines.

First, I have no idea what your idea of bad girl is. Does that mean she's into tattoos, drinks, swears like a sailor, likes a bit of rumpus, and will fight any girl who disses her at the drop of a hat? I love her already!

Second, why do you like bad girls if you know you're not their type?

Bad girls (that is, my own idea of what a bad girl is) tend to use men like you and discard them like babies dummies. Why would you in a million years want to put yourself through that pain? Unless you subconsciously want that.

I wish I could tell you, "I can't wait for the followup" but I really can wait. For your sake.

Again, on the off-chance you were being serious, good luck. Seems like you'll either walk away satiated, or with a black eye.