Clarkson

[baglc1]

Subject: Clarkson

Unhand my patio heater, archbishop

British sceptic Jeremy Clarkson takes on the Church of the Environment

in his usual mocking style. I have added as picture of His Grace below

so that all readers will understand Clarkson's satirical allusions to

beards and eyebrows

The Archbishop of Canterbury told the faithful on Christmas Day that

unless human beings abandon our greed, we will be responsible for the

death of the planet. Hmm. I'm not sure that I can take a lecture on

greed from a man who heads one of the western world's richest

institutions. As we huddle under a patio heater to stay warm while

having a cigarette in the rain, his bishops are living in palatial

splendour with banqueting halls, wondering where to invest the next

billion.

And are the churches open at night as shelter for the homeless and the

weak? No, they are locked lest someone should decide to redress the

inequalities of western society by half-inching a candelabra and fencing

it to buy Christmas presents for his kiddies.

Then we must ask how much old Rowan really understands about the

implications and causes of global warming. He thinks that taking a

holiday in Florida and driving a Range Rover caused the flooding in

Tewkesbury this summer. But then he also believes it's possible for a

man to walk on water and feed a crowd of 5,000 with nothing more than a

couple of sardines.

Hmm. Well here are some facts that Rowan might like to chew on over his

fair-trade breakfast cereal. The Alps are enjoying good snowfalls this

year, in much the same way that the Alps in New South Wales enjoyed

healthy snowfalls last summer. The hurricane season finished a couple of

weeks ago and, contrary to all the scaremongering from Al Gore's mates,

the number of severe storms, for the second year in a row, was slightly

below average.

Closer to home, Britain did not, as was predicted by the BBC's

hysterical internet news site, bake this summer under record-breaking

temperatures.

It was wet and soggy, much like in all the summers of my youth. And the

only reason Tewkesbury flooded is because we've all paved our drives and

built houses on the flood plains so the rainwater had nowhere else to go

apart from Mrs Miggins's front room.

In the light of all this, I would like Rowan Williams to come out from

behind his eyebrows and tell us how many people have been killed by

greed-induced global warming. Because even the most swivel-eyed lunatic

would be hard pressed to claim it's more than a few dozen.

Meanwhile, I reckon the number of people killed over the years by

religious wars is around 809m. I tell you this, beardie. Many, many more

people have died in the name of God than were killed in the name of

Hitler.

Between 1096 and 1270, the Crusades killed about 1.5m. Way more than

have been killed by patio heaters and Range Rovers combined. Then there

was the 30 years' war, which reduced Europe's population by about 7.5m.

And the slaughter is still going on today in Iraq and Afghanistan and

Palestine and Pakistan. Benazir Bhutto was killed by a religious nut,

not a homeless polar bear.

We have been told by those of a communist disposition that if we return

to a life of sackcloth and potato soup (bishops excepted) and if we meet

all the targets laid down by the great scientist John Prescott at Kyoto,

then Britain will be a shining beacon to the world. Others will see what

we have done and immediately lay down their 4x4s.

Rubbish. America and China and India will ignore our lunacy and our

economic suicide and continue to embody the human spirit for

self-improvement (or greed, as Rowan calls it).

No matter. Old Rowan will doubtless applaud the move. This is a man who

was arrested in the antinuclear protests of the 1980s. Who refused to

call the 9/11 terrorists evil and said they had serious moral goals. Who

thinks that every single thing bought and sold is "an act of aggression"

on the developing world. Who campaigns for gay rights but wouldn't

actually appoint a homosexual as a bishop. And who recently said in an

interview that America was the bad guy and that Muslims in Britain were

like the good Samaritans. In other words, he's a full-on, five-star,

paid-up member of the loony left, so anything that prevents the middle

classes from having a Range Rover and a patio heater is bound to get his

vote.

If, however, he really wants to bring peace and stability to the world,

if he really believes Britain can be a force for good and a shining

beacon in troubled times, then I urge him to close the Church of

England. If we can demonstrate that we can survive without a church -

and when you note 750,000 more people went online shopping on Christmas

Day than went to church, you could argue we already do - then, who

knows, maybe the mullahs and the left-footers will follow suit.

Daft? Not as daft as expecting the government in Beijing to renounce

electricity because everyone in Britain has swapped their Range Rover

for a mangle.

But better? Well yes. I genuinely believe we are born with a moral

compass and we don't need it reset every Sunday morning by some

weird-beard communist in a dress. I am, as you may have gathered,

completely unreligious, but it doesn't stop me trying to be kind to

others, and I'm never completely overwhelmed with a need to murder

madmen in pulpits.

Slightly overwhelmed sometimes, but never completely.

[SBOB]

and to make it watch related, he wears a 45mm omega P.O.

[V]

Couldn't agree more with Clarkson..

[offshore]

Ahhh yes,

A wonderful insight in to our world, that we probably already knew!

However (aside from his PO)..... probably more suited to OT.

Moved.

Offshore

[bigpops]

and to make it watch related, he wears a 45mm omega P.O.

42mm actually, on rubber.

[r11co]

42mm actually, on rubber.

45mm, actually, on rubber (coz he's almost as big a Bond fan as I am). Scalloping on the bezel is a dead giveaway.

His previous daily beater was a blue faced 'Brosnan' SMP 300m.

[Victoria]

I love Jeremy Clarkson for his unfettered attitude, which if he were an American presenter, would've had him fired quicker than you can say Don Imus.

But I'm in rare opinion with the Grauniad when they mentioned that he's not given to "considered opinions". That was plainly shown when Clarkson insisted that sharing one's bank account with the world is no problem -- confident no one can do anything with it, like say take money from it.

He did so after discs on 25 million people containing sensitive info were lost/stolen, and people were worried their info was compromised. He said, Rubbish! and printed his bank account info in his weekly tabloid column.

Well guess what? It was hacked, and some wag debited

[bigpops]

45mm, actually, on rubber (coz he's almost as big a Bond fan as I am). His previous daily beater was a blue faced 'Brosnan' SMP 300m.

My apologies. In the Top Gear episode where he moves the bezel to annoy James, i swear i saw a 42mm bezel style. I've just checked it again on my Sky+, and it is indeed a 45mm. EDIT: And i wrote this post before your screen grab loaded. All that searching for nothing!

I know he had the old SMP for years. Just before he got the PO, he looked to be wearing a Breitling chronograph for a while.

Man he has big wrists. I've just been watching him throw the 599 Fiorano around the track in the same episode, and it looks much smaller on him. Mind you, he is 6'5".

[Victoria]

My apologies. In the Top Gear episode where he moves the bezel to annoy James, i swear i saw a 42mm bezel style. I've just checked it again on my Sky+, and it is indeed a 45mm.

He's a huge man (6'5"?), and the PO looks just right on him.

Clarkson teased James May (when not?) by twirling the bezel around, so the pearl doesn't point to the 12 marker. May has a phobia about that...actually, so do I. It has to be JUST at 12, or else it drives me banshee-mad.

(S10E1, in case you're interested in seeing that)

Would love to know what bigass watch the Hamster wears. Outsized Cartier Tank, it looks like. Mind you, he looks like he's 5'2".

@Bigpops: Wow! Just realised you and I targetted the same things in our replies: height and the twirling of the bezel. Your watch or mine?

@The Mentalist: Thanks.

I saw Pugwash's screenshots, but the newer S10 episodes have Hammond wearing this white-dial, more rectangular watch than the Tag Monza below:

...here are two of James May and his watch. A Movado??

[The Mentalist]

He's a huge man (6'5"?), and the PO looks just right on him.

Clarkson teased James May (when not?) by twirling the bezel around, so the pearl doesn't point to the 12 marker. May has a phobia about that...actually, so do I. It has to be JUST at 12, or else it drives me banshee-mad.

(S10E1, in case you're interested in seeing that)

Would love to know what bigass watch the Hamster wears. Outsized Cartier Tank, it looks like. Mind you, he looks like he's 5'2".

Hamster wears a Tag Monza, I believe.

[Pugwash]

Ah, it's time to pull out my other Top Gear caps.