Dear Alcohol

[jonthebhoy]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,

hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst

of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about

your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at

heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,

I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity

takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those

ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to

hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest

that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some

stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a

few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think

you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do

more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home

by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &

blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the

front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting

ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's

debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely u

nacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper

precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to

sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,

the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily

activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like

to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great

stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion

when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In

order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my

grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later

than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we

can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[KB]

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Ooohh..........................Been there

Ken

[dadog13]

@jontheboy...that is funny!...well....never,ever tought that somebody wrote such a letter!

[lancelot]

[cornerstone]

Alcohol responds.....

[jonthebhoy]

[KB]

And when you look at cornerstones avatar you see he is just the one to write the responce too

Ken

[cornerstone]

And when you look at cornerstones avatar you see he is just the one to write the responce too

Ken

It's all true!