pizzanooo Posted July 15, 2011 Report Share Posted July 15, 2011 A man's driving along when he's pulled over by a cop. The cop approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Nah, why?" replies the man. "Have I got a fat chick in my car?" A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to talk to the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk." A man was lying in bed after sex with a new date. She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her... "Why do you love doing that?" "Because ..." She Replied ..."I Really Miss Mine" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanuq Posted July 15, 2011 Report Share Posted July 15, 2011 A dog walks into a bar and pulls up a stool with a bloody bandage, and says... "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw" A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KB Posted July 15, 2011 Report Share Posted July 15, 2011 A Panda walks into a bar and orders a beer, the barman thinks "what do Pandas know about the price of beer" and charges him 20 bucks. So the barman say when handing him his drink "we don't get many Pandas in here" The Panda says "at these prices it's no fucking wonder!" Ken Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baglc1 Posted July 16, 2011 Report Share Posted July 16, 2011 A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint and crisps, sits in the corner reading his newspaper. After half an hour he gets up and leaves and says ill see you tomorrow. Day after the duck walks in asks for the same order sits in the corner reading his paper. Half an hour goes by he gets up walks to door and says ill see tomorrow. this goes on all week so on the friday as the duck was leaving the bar man asks the duck whats he doing here. The duck says im a plasterer just working down the road for a couple of weeks. Anyway later on that day a man comes in the pub with some flyers for a circus thats in town. The barman starts telling him about the duck how he drinks and smokes ,reads newspapers etc. The circus owner says that duck sounds intelligent send him to me for a job. The next day the duck walks in orders his usual and the barman says "eh ive got you a job at the circus thats coming to town". The duck says, a circus, what with cages to keep the animals in. Yes says the barman. A big white canvas tent thats held up with ropes, thats right says the barman. Saw dust all the floors and straw to sleep on, yes says the barman why are you interested. The duck says, wtf do they want with a plasterer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cornerstone Posted July 25, 2011 Report Share Posted July 25, 2011 Two Aussies, Bruce & Barry were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!" Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Barry's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers"' said Bruce to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Barry's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs. "I just can't do this anymore", Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling". "It's all right for you", Barry replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maxman Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 This drunk lady and her pig walk Into a bar and order a drink. The bartender says,"sorry we dont serve fat smelly dirty pigs" The lady says"my pig Is not dirty or smelly" The bartender says,"I was talking to the pig" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExtraExtra Posted August 1, 2011 Report Share Posted August 1, 2011 Fire chief walks into a burning room to find 2 firemen butt f***ing each other. The first fireman says "Sir, this man's got smoke inhalation". The fire chief says "Then why didn't you give him mouth to mouth resuscitation?". The second fireman says "Sir, how did you think this shit got started?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maxman Posted August 2, 2011 Report Share Posted August 2, 2011 Fire chief walks into a burning room to find 2 firemen butt f***ing each other. The first fireman says "Sir, this man's got smoke inhalation". The fire chief says "Then why didn't you give him mouth to mouth resuscitation?". The second fireman says "Sir, how did you think this [censored] got started?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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