Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
It's okay to have nothing to say... unless you're talking.
Should we call real life the Outernet?
Harp: A nude Steinway.
They say dollar bills carry germs on them. Even a germ couldn't live on a dollar these days.
There are three stages of men's hair: parted, unparted and departed.
If you can't see the bright side of life, there's nothing to do but keep polishing the dull side.
Did you ever notice how the word "marriage" is one vocal inflection away from mirage?
Nature does her best to teach us. The more we overeat, the harder she makes it for us to get close to the table.
One very fine thing about real life, it gets my mind off all that suffering on television.
The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
There is only one thing worse then the flu season... the tax season. You can recover from the flu.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have.