Johnkaz

I came across this incredulous guy. Please bear in mind, this is on a specialist forum. http://www.mustangforums.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368307 Probably should be in the loony bin instead of humour. Cheers Johnkaz.

Nice.

How's this for a new sub section. The worlds most pointless photo's Photo one, to be prominantly placed on the office desk. MY WIVES Cheers Johnkaz Anymore!

For those among you who may not know, Jeremy Clarkson is the UKs number one motoring journo, He is as opinionated as Idi Amin, as Right wing as Attilla the hun, and anti any transport that does not do 60 mph in 5 seconds flat. He particularily hates, Diesel cars, American cars, caravans and cyclist. But love him or hate him it is hard not to laugh at some of his rhetoric. Jeremy's quotes: 'I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.' '... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany ' Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom' On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: 'there is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot 'The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite' 'The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.' 'Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?' 'This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'' 'I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?' Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: 'Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.' ' Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.' On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: 'Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted?' 'Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!' On the Lotus Elise: 'This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.' 'Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...for a murderer.' 'I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.' 'There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.' 'Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.' 'You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!' 'Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.' On the Porsche Cayenne: 'Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.' Cheers Johnkaz

I have booked for a long weekend in November 3 nights in Reyjkavik, I have done some reading on tripadvisor. The value over there is amazing at the moment, it has a very small population and they really need visitors to spend hard currency. The weather should be nice too My question is does anybody live there? Any general advice tips, also I will be hiring a 4x4 to get around. Cheers Johnkaz.

Cannot wait to see Bohemian Rhapsody . Cheers Johnkaz

How does a guy who had so much end up with so little?? Johnkaz.

One argument that amazes me, it's the stock pro gun chant. "GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE. PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE" . My answer to that is if we take people and guns away from each other, then that cannot possibly happen. In actual fact who does most of the the damage, Psycho's, criminals, people high on drugs or booze, and persons of low intellegence. I do not know, but between that group they own a great many firearms. Does any gun owning society demand a psychological profile or an IQ test prior to issuing a licence? Johnkaz.

Has one ever visited the tower?

I always try and follow good financial advice. Cheers Johnkaz.

I can believe that from USA citizens!

That's what friends are for.

A load of "Bellshit".

2. Almost anyone can tell a replica watch from an authentic one: Many watch experts think that low quality replica watches will be spotted at more than 20 feet away ('they are so poorly made that even a blind chimp would not mistake one for the real thing'). Even if you are not a watch expert yourself, your attention will be caught, for example, by the gold plating of a fake that is too yellow in color or the glass or plastic crystal not reflecting light like sapphire crystal. That is amazing only today a blind chimp was jumping up and down making that chimp noise, and pointing at me in the street. It just goes to make our great reps more believable to the masses. Cheers Johnkaz.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs.Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Cheers Johnkaz. :

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her. Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.' Cheers Johnkaz.

That got the tear glands working!! Cheers Johnkaz.

Well I know he is a weirdo but I don't think I will tell him. So as not to hurt his feelings If you know what I mean. Cheers Johnkaz.

I can understand that. Not that we have kangaroos over here. Cheers Johnkaz.

I have just been back, look at the history another Rolex box sold last week. Probably Dads daily beater. Cheers Johnkaz.

Be interesting to see how much it makes. Johnkaz.

I have noticed in recent weeks the roads over here are generally becoming much quieter, I believe people are really thinking about if they need to use their cars. I am currently paying

I too have a gen midsize seamaster, it's about 7 years old, has never been serviced, and still looks superb. I polish the bracelet every so often. i would not buy a quartz one though. Personal choice. Johnkaz

Nice one Ken. Was he arested by a Constable? Cheers Johnkaz.

Wait till you see her sword swallowing act!! Cheers Johnkaz.