Johnkaz

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...... 'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.' 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'. So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture .. there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. 'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!' 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the Desert don't forget.' 'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. And with that ...Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. 'Pepe...go back man,you was right.ees not a bacon tree.' 'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it? 'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree... Ees......... Ees... Ees......... Ees.... ... Eees a Ham Bush Cheers Johnkaz

I have read that book as a boy. The mind plays funny tricks sometimes. Cheers Johnkaz

The Nissan looks great, that is a pretty damn powerful motor for offroading. Lets see some action shots. Cheers Johnkaz.

Do they fit to the screen by suction? Cheers Johnkaz.

You wouldn't want to eat a full one. Cheers Johnkaz

Old news now I know but just picked this off another forum. For those of you that are not lucky enough to live here it really did happen last week. Enjoy!! A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately

Why is Dyslexia spelt like that. I think it was spelt by a Dyslexic. Cheers Johnkaz.

About the 100,000 heartbeats a day, thats most days not everyday for most people, the last day usually has less. Cheers Johnkaz.

I'm A sapphire fan also, I have never seen 209 over here. Cheers Johnkaz.

I can think of worse jobs. Traffic warden!! No same thing. Cheers Johnkaz.

Very Funny. Cheers Johnkaz.

Wow those Chinese crash dummies really need to be well made!! Cheers Johnkaz.

I just watched a 4 minute trailer on Msn. I feel sick already Cheers Johnkaz

I have a theory that the Japanese came here from a planet far far away. I bet they would have loved those Roman games with slaves, lions, and gladiators. Cheers Johnkaz.

Never heard of cloverfield, but I thought the mega hyped blair witch project was rubbish (the kings new clothes come to mind), so I guess this is not for me. Cheers Johnkaz.

We never stop learning useful facts on this forum. Thank you my Tag has that tachymetre thing, now where are my car keys. Thank You. Johnkaz.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows; you give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away... SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have one. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.... WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your licence to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you next to nothing for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and Anyway the rest of the world, have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish Migrant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred. Cheers Johnkaz.

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered (This is great) ********** ********** "THE TEETH." Cheers Johnkaz.

I am laughing. But I understand the lingo, maybe it needs subtitles for our colonial brothers. Cheers Johnkaz.

If only I had thought of that. Cheers Johnkaz.

What fire! OK so take a look at this, a lot of effort gone here. Especially relevant to Billy Joel devotees. Cheers Johnkaz.

Wanted the best sub rep. Must be frostproof!!! Nice pics. Cheers Johnkaz.

A professor at the University of Kansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Dude!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats..." Cheers Johnkaz.

Hilarious. They take it to keep the cold out. Cheers Johnkaz.

Does it sound like the real thing. ferraris sound sweet. Cheers Johnkaz.