In Memorium - Rest In Peace Dad

[eunomians]

***In Memorium***

My best friend... R.I.P.

Tokyo 1969, he's looking and smiling at my mom when this pic was taken

My father, my best friend, my daddy, passed away on Tuesday at 2:42 AM from Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. He had been in and out of the hospital since the begining of March due to massive amounts of bizarre complications.

I had been staying with him at his house as much as I could for the past many months. He lost control of his bowels, and could not sit up. It broke my heart.

He had clots in his legs and lungs, almost died, but he made it through that episode. Then he had a mysterious infection in which he had an uncontrollable fever of 40C for more than 5 days. He miraculously beat the fever with 11 antibiotic IV's running in him. He got Pneunomia twice, almost died twice, but pulled through. He tried every possible Chemotherapy, some worked for a while (such as Pentastatin), but all ceased to work in late June. So the last resort was to try Chem-Path, which destroys 99% of the body's immune system. With my father being so weak after all of the insane complications, it was a huge risk. They said that one dose could kill him and that it was up to my father and I to make the choice to play Russian Roulette. We went for it. There was no choice left. He got the injection, I held his hand for the critical hour, waiting, hoping that he would not go into cardiac arrest. He lived! 2 days later, they gave him more Chem-Path, his white blood count drops dramatically, it was killing the cancer like crazy! Despite the fact that my dad could no longer use his legs, and the fact that he had lost 50% of his normal healthy body weight; he was making plans with me to drink beer and eat hotdogs. He wanted so badly to take a ride in my new car that he had not gotten a chance to see yet.

The Oncology team then told me to go home and get some rest, since my dad was doing great. 12 hours later, they call me and tell me that I need to be there ASAP. Suddenly my dad had a wild infection, they find out that his gallbladder is destroyed. My dad loses the ability to talk, he could just mumble. They prepare him for surgery, I hold his hand, kiss his forehead, tell him not worry, that I'll see him when the surgery is finished.

They remove most of his Gallbladder, the surgery was fairly successfull. Again, the hospital tells me to go home an get some rest. I had been up for 24 hours at that point... They told me he was recovering just fine and they decided to move him into a less intensive care unit since things were going so great.

After only 2 hours of going home, the hospital calls me back. The leukemia starts to grow suddenly. After the surgery, he gets a fever over 40C again. They keep him sedated (eyes closed, no talking) because he's got painfull tubes in his mouth and nasal passage going into his stomach; and a breathing machine. His kidneys stop working. He started to bloat due to water retention. The PH balance in his body turns acidic, his organs start to shut down one by one. So less than 3 hours after they tell me all is well, they tell me he has an hour left to live.

I was given 2 choices. As the cancer spread, his blood pressure was dropping, along with his heart rate. Either I stand there and watch him go into cardiac arrest (where he might regain consciousness for a split second) or I pull the plug.

Either way, he was to leave this world.

Me & my mother got as many of our friends as possible to come and see him. I know he could hear us.

As the minutes ticked on by, his vital signs were slowing. I held his hand. I wrapped my arms over him, I kissed his forehead, I smoothed his silvery hair... The ICU unit had very bright white lights on, they had classical music blasting from a speaker next to dad's head... Suddenly I realized that this was a launch pad, that my father was about to exit this world. I held him, I kissed him, they yanked out all of the IV's, they turned of the breathing machine... He left this world.

I watched a big lion slowly turn into a mouse. I lost my best friend, my mentor, my hero, my confidante... My Daddy, my Pop. So suddenly and so viciously.

For the record, I want you all to know that my Dad served in Vietnam. He was a combat surgeon. He was anti-war, but went to save lives. He was exposed to Agent Orange spray (like many Veterans) during his tour of duty. Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia is directly caused by Agent Orange. The U.S. Gov't 9 months ago admitted that Agent Orange does cause Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. The US Gov't and the Veteran's Affairs are REFUSING to assist in any compensation for healtcare for Veterans with this cancer. There are 100s of Veterans who are dying from this brutal ugly cancer.

My dad's best friend, who also served in Vietnam, is dying of the same cancer right now! 2 weeks ago, he was in the same Oncology unit as my dad. At that point my dad could not walk anymore, but his friend could. Anyhow, while on his way out after Chemo treatment, his friend came into my dad's little room when I was there. They told each other that they loved each other. These are 2 tough, I mean really tough guys saying the word "love"! My dad's buddy said, "I'll see you at the next BBQ". My dad said, "Hey, you think we can eat some ice cream together like we always did?" Bill said, "Yup, we sure as hell will, just you & me buddy". Then Bill left. It took me a day or so to realize that they were saying goodbye to each other.

I decided to post this here because for some strange reason it is a part of my healing process. I seek not your sympathy, but felt it was my duty to be honest about my anguish.

Best regards to our community,

Euno

PS. Dad: I love you with all of my heart, Pop. You lived a selfless life, you saved 100s of people's lives, and showed me that the "externals", the "body" are all unimportant. I love you, I love you.

PSS. My dad's friend is now very very ill, as of a week ago. May he have the strength to win this battle.

PSSS. My Dad & Mom in happier times, Tokyo '70

[giorgio]

That sounds like a terrible way to go. I watched my father pass away a year ago after years of complications from lung disease and it's never easy. My condolences.

[Victoria]

I watched a big lion slowly turn into a mouse. I lost my best friend, my mentor, my hero, my confidante... My Daddy, my Pop. So suddenly and so viciously.

*cries*

My deepest condolences and hugs...RIP Euno's Daddy.

[Watchmeister]

D-

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately I am familiar with the loss of a parent due to cancer. In my case our respective ages were 56 and 24 and it was a multi-year disease. It is not fair when life deals these horrible blows. Just be glad he saw you live to adulthood and revel in your nice memories. My father did see me graduate college and get married. I know that gave him whatever peace he could find in the last painful days. What I learned is that at the end of the day what you leave behind when you leave this world is your family and children. Love them and treasure them and be glad that your father passed away knowing that he had passed on his legacy to you. And now the burden is on you to be strong for you mother and family. I know it will be difficult but I found that was an important part of my healing. I hope it is thus for you.

As always, all the best,

W

[dluddy]

Euno, my heart goes out to you and while I am toasting my dad tonight, I will toast yours as well.

I also lost my dad and took care of him at home, watching him die. It's a huge loss but dwell on the time you had. In spirit, he will always be with you.

[lazarini]

Euno ...

our thoughts and condolencess go to u and ure family ...

Laz & Monika

[FxrAndy]

I am sorry to hear this i lost 2 good friends this way this last 3 months. I feel for you.

please accept my condolences.

[chubbchubb]

It made me very sad to read your story ....it triggered memories of my own experience with my mother's cancer related passing a few years ago. My thoughts are with you. Be strong.

[TwoTone]

@D

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family...

M

A Good Man

When a good man dies, a thousand lights go out.

And it's said, a giant library is lost.

Oh, I've tried to make comparisons and wise cliche's ~

To estimate, in part, a good man's loss.

For, I know the way it feels to have your heart bend low

And understand how dark the nights can be.

But, a good man has a heritage beyond the grave.

And we would be so foolish not to see.

That, a good man leaves a light his children follow;

No groping through some wilderness or maze.

And howe'er their lives, it shines on in brilliance

That they can see 'til ending of their days.

His words come ringing deep, in vibrant stereo,

Within the keen recesses of their minds.

There's guidance there, enough to get to Heaven ~

Where once again, their hearts and arms entwine.

I'm so sorry for your loss here, on the earth below.

But, I'm proud to say, "A good man went away."

You'll see him soon. It won't be long.

Just follow the lights a good man left upon the way.

[By-Tor]

Very sorry to hear that Euno. Please accept my condolences.

[jkerouac]

My best wishes and prayers go out to you and your family at this sad time. Your entire tribute is very touching and moving. Your father would have been very proud, as I am sure he was, to have such a fine tribute from a loving and deep son.

In particular, I want to highlight this line: "Suddenly I realized that this was a launch pad, that my father was about to exit this world."

Three years ago my mother passed away after having been crippled for 10 years by a stroke. Like you and others, I watched a once powerful person dragged down by the deterioration of the physical body. But the spirit and love were always there. In the end I strongly believe that my mother's death allowed her to transcend the limits of her physical beyond and to be able to begin her new journey, whatever that journey may be. Mixed with my sorrow I also felt some relief and even joy that she could be free to move forward. And so I hope it is with your father as well.

[Johnkaz]

I echo with my best wishes, like many others here have been touched by the cold hand of cancer, my Mother, my best friend, and last week my Uncle. I consolled myself by thinking about an end to their suffering.

Johnkaz.

[fitmic]

It's really heart breaking to hear about the loss of your beloved father.

My condolences to you and your loved ones.

[KB]

Euno please accept my heartfelt condolences on the passing of your Father, your brief eulogy flows straight from the heart and your love for him shines like a beacon ......... May he rest in peace

Four Candles for You

The first candle represents our grief.

The pain of losing you is intense.

It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

This second candle represents our courage.

To confront our sorrow,

To comfort each other,

To change our lives.

This third candle we light in your memory.

For the times we laughed,

The times we cried,

The times we were angry with each other,

The silly things you did,

The caring and joy you gave us.

This fourth candle we light for our love.

We light this candle that your light will always shine.

As we enter this holiday season and share this night of remembrance

with our family and friends.

We cherish the special place in our hearts

that will always be reserved for you.

We thank you for the gift

your living brought to each of us.

We love you.

We remember you.

Ken

[b16a2]

My deepest condolences to you.

[jeff g]

Like others in this thread...I buried both of my parents after watching them deal with thier cancers.

Words do no justice to the feelings we all have gone thru watching our parents suffer. For me, I think back to when I was a boy, and think of the times they were strong and vibrant. The good memories are what I hold on to. My condolences to you and your family.

[robertk]

Euno, my deepest condolences.

[torresp]

My thoughts for you and your family Euno.

[Cats]

Euno,

my deepest condolences. I know how it feels to loose a good friend . Both my parents died of Cancer.

I was able to except it knowing that the way their live was going to end was unacceptable.

But hell i still mis them every day.

I don't know anything about your personal life but if you ever become a parent think about your father and what he ment for you.

This will make you one of the best parents on earth

I wish you a lot of strenght in this difficult period.

Regards,

Cats

[Admin]

Euno, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. My hearfelt condolances to you and your family. Reading your post made me think about how much I still miss my dad. I lost my father 7 years ago. He was only 47 years old at the time. I was 25 and this was a big blow for me. I had just picked him up at our family cottage because he was not feeling very well and I was proud to tell him that I had gotten engaged the day before. Offered to take him to the doctor, but he told me "it wasn't that bad". 2 hours after I dropped him off at home he was found dead outside, after a massive heart attack. Anyway, the point here was that what got me though all of it was talking to my family and friends about all the good stories about my father and also how much I loved him and missed him. So I think I understand where you are coming from when you are posting this here. And your father...well...I'll bet you he's sharing ice cream with his friends right now.

[Kollektor]

Euno, so sorry to hear of your loss. Our deepest sympathies. There are no words to describe the vaccum created by the loss of a dearly loved one. Be thankful that you were able to be by his side and share his last moments. God bless.

[maxmilian]

I am very sorry to hear about your lost please accept my deepest condolences

[dastrix]

Euno, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. My hearfelt condolances to you and your family. Reading your post made me think about how much I still miss my dad. I lost my father 7 years ago. He was only 47 years old at the time. I was 25 and this was a big blow for me. I had just picked him up at our family cottage because he was not feeling very well and I was proud to tell him that I had gotten engaged the day before. Offered to take him to the doctor, but he told me "it wasn't that bad". 2 hours after I dropped him off at home he was found dead outside, after a massive heart attack. Anyway, the point here was that what got me though all of it was talking to my family and friends about all the good stories about my father and also how much I loved him and missed him. So I think I understand where you are coming from when you are posting this here. And your father...well...I'll bet you he's sharing ice cream with his friends right now.

A gripping story, your father is in a better place no doubt! RIP, Dad's are the best guys in the world. I'm incredibily lucky to have my Dad still around, and hopefully for many years.

My heart goes out to you.

Take care

Kris

[cornerstone]

Deepest condolences as well - it was a very moving tribute.

Best wishes.

[cib0rgman]

Very sorry to hear that Euno. my condolences to you and your Mother.